Reflection

UPDATE on NYE: The head count as of when we went to bed last night was 5 heads all night and one or possibly two? popping by. Now we're at 9 heads all night and one or two popping by. I had food and alky for the 5 of us. Now I've got to figure something out for 9!


Everyone is writing reflection posts or resolution posts. My year was pretty tame. I don't have much of interest. I worked all year, didn't take the summer off. Got an inheritance from my Aunt who passed away. Bought a new car and some furniture. Went on vacation to Texas in said new car. Had a great time. Came back, continued working. Started blogging and started commenting. Am enjoying the network of friends and support when needed. Am enjoying the ability to pour my heart out and not be judged. Bought a house. Something I've always wanted and needed to make me to feel like a complete, successful person. Had a birthday. Nothing new. Went to Baltimore, an amazing city that I can't wait to go back to. Merry Christmas full of lame presents and the rat dog. Presents just get lamer as you get older. (Is lamer a word?) New Years Eve will be really laid back and full of horrible Kung Fu Movies and hopefully Knocked up or The Big Lebowski and drinking and Euchre. All in all, it was a pretty good year. My husband and I had some really rough times, but we love each other and we'll make it work. I've found myself actually wanting to be pregnant and found Noah much more receptive to this thought than ever before. We're not rich, but we're pretty stable. We've got the money to buy the things we want. If there was a huge problem or emergency, we'd be pretty screwed, but we put money back and we spend what we want.

I hope the new year brings new friends and closer relationships with the old ones. I hope I get things worked out with my parents. I'm an only child and have never felt so distant from them. It hurts. I want to get some of our debt paid off, and hopefully we'll finally get the rest of the inheritance and I can do that. And secretly, (ie. I hope Noah doesn't read my blog) I hope a mistake happens. I know that while we are financially stable enough for us, a child would make it difficult but I know we would make it. I know that Noah has dreams and hopes for his future and a child would probably hinder that in some way. But secretly, I hope for an accident. I would never do it on purpose but maybe, even will all our precautions, something will happen. And if it doesn't, I'm fine with that too. Mostly, I want to have another tame year full of love and happiness.

New Years Eve?

So I'm not sure that New Years Eve is going to be the way fun party I had planned. I invited a crap ton of people and so far....oh that's right, three people. Yes my friends, three people. (Michelle, it's fine...I'm not irritated with you, I promise! And now that you've read this, you may not want to come. I am OK with that too.) What does a girl have to do to get people to come hang out! I'm making appetizer type foods and providing free booze. When did the days of "Free booze? I'm so there!" disappear? With our college days you say? No. Seriously? Damn. I've got nothing else to offer!

I really really want to come to NYC and meet everyone, but I have this thing attached to my hip called a husband. And my husband is like no other husband. He wants to come. He doesn't want me going by myself. I think he's really just not wanting to miss out on all the fun. But he's shy. And he'll whine about how he doesn't know anyone and anything else he can think of to whine about. But if I leave him at home, the whining will be worse. And I'm just not sure we can afford for both of us to come. I know I don't have much time to think it over b/c I'll have to buy tickets. Anyone else bringing their SO who could pretend to be interested in video games, photography, and dark beers? Anyone?

Christmas is Over

Well, Christmas is over. And this year it didn't really feel like Christmas. There's no snow, it's over 40 degrees outside and sunny. And when Christmas is in the middle of the week, it doesn't really feel right. I can't believe it's already Wednesday.

Baltimore was amazing. I think I want to move there. For real. Ave. Q was cute and funny and so true and sometimes really amazingly crude and overall great. The 84 year old man next to me sitting with his 80 year old wife seemed to enjoy themselves. They had the little earphone thingies to help them hear better and binoculars to help them see better and they were laughing up a storm. Our hotel was beautiful. The Inner Harbour area is amazing. So much to do and so much to eat in such a small location. I could have eaten all day for a month and still not eaten at all the restaurants that were available. Mmmm fresh seafood! We are definitely going to go back this summer and in three years when we're ready to leave Columbus it will be one of the places we consider.

Christmas eve with my family was not long enough. I miss my parents. I'm going to go back and stay with them Thursday and Friday to get some more time in before we all go back to work. Christmas day with Noah's family was way too long. They are always annoying and irritating. Thank goodness that's over!

Now I'm finally sitting at home, I got to sleep in this morning. Yay! We've got the little rat dog that we're dogsitting for. He's seriously annoying. And my 57lb black dog? Yeah, he's scared of the little rat dog. The little rat dog bites you when you make him do something he doesn't want to. I put him off the couch last night, yeah he bit me. I pushed him away from the door this morning, yeah he bit me. Luckily he doesn't have most of his teeth and he hasn't broken the skin, but still! I wish my dog would just bark at him already and stop skulking around, hiding behind my legs!

I hope everyone had a wonderful Christmas and is enjoying sleeping in today, although I know a lot of you had to go back to work today. I don't have to go back to work until Jan. 7th! Yay me! So if I don't have a lot to blog about...forgive me. I'm most likely watching DVD's, reading the last Harry Potter book, and generally killing brain cells.

Still at school

So I'm here. At work. With students. Again. Until 3:15. And I've just exhausted the internet.

I snuck out early last night from the program, but not early enough. I was so tired. I went home, wrapped all the presents and went to bed. Tonight we've got to pack and get ready for Baltimore and the ensueing Christmas madness.

I wish all of you travelers a safe and traffic free trip. Enjoy your family and friends and nice warm snuggly beds with people that you love. I probably won't post until after Christmas. So...Happy safe holidays!

Oh Holy Sh*t!

I usually can't get to ANY of this at school. But the other day, I noticed that I could see pictures on blogs again. And I thought to myself hmm....Then today, I accidently clicked on comments on Michelle's blog and guess what? The crazy school computer blocking bitch who lives in my computer didn't say I couldn't read the comments. She actually let me! So I tried to leave a comment. And I can!!! And I can post!

And of course, I just have angry Kari with me today. Happy Kari won't arrive until get en route to Baltimore.

Angry Kari is very angry that she has to be at work today. She's a teacher. For a reason. She likes summers off and super long holidays. But not this year. This year we have to work until 3:15 on Friday. We get out a half hour early. Seriously? What's the point? Angry Kari has decided that she hates children this week. Because as angry as Kari is this week, apparently the children are even angrier that they have to be here and are JERKS! They have decided that since they normally don't have to be here, the normal rules don't apply. They are running around, yelling, being disrespectful. And those teachers who don't normally do their jobs? Oh right, they're REALLY not doing their jobs this week. So when you send kids out of the class for punishment, they just come right back. Gee thanks. If I wanted to see their smiling little faces, I woudln't have sent them to you in the first place! Angry Kari is also angry that she has to not only be here this week, but also attend a stupid after school gathering for parents that the principal isn't even attending! Seriously? Oh wait, I know how we can make this horrible week better. Let's stay after school for three and a half hours and entertain parents! Awesome.

Sorry everyone. I'm very cranky. Forgive me.

Thanks!

Thank you all for your opinions. You reinforced what I already thought. I think if the red cardigan were shorter, it would look better but it's not. Plus the first one is way fun, I just didn't know if it was dressy enough.

I only have three days of school left this week and I don't know if I can make it. I really really don't. The kids are off the walls, I have this never ending headache, and I can't seem to sleep at night. Ugh. Plus I've gots lots of stress. With Christmas and buying a new house, money is super tight. Super tight. And my in-law family is made up of horrible mean people who don't like me and don't miss any opportunity to belittle me.

Baltimore can't get here soon enough.

What do you think?

Ok, I am in need of opinions, which I KNOW we all have in abundance! Please be honest.

I picked this outfit for the Ave. Q show in Baltimore on Saturday. What do we think? (please ignore the no makeup pasty face...I think I'll flat iron my hair super straight and not sure on earrings or other jewelry yet but other than that...) (also note, the dress has cute little pockets down towards the bottom and is t-shirt material so will travel well)

This is option number two. The dress is strapless, also t-shirt material with pleats in the skirt and lace at the bottom. Again, ignore the no makeup pasty face and I don't know what I would do about jewelry yet.

Thank you for your help in this o so pressing matter :)

I got Nothin'

Just wanted to say that I've had a great weekend. Enjoyed shopping with Michelle today. Can't believe it's only 8 days until Christmas and I still have two gift cards to get. My kitchen and living room are reasonably clean. I'm super excited to go to Baltimore this weekend. I know Noah and I will have a chance to talk a lot of things out on our drive. We really have the best conversations in the car. I mean, he proposed to me in the car so....

Anyway....5 days and counting until school is out for two weeks. 6 days and counting until Baltimore. 8 days and counting until Christmas. I'm going to make it.

I don't explain myself well

I don't think I fully explained myself in my last post. I appreciate the concerns and comments, I really do, and I am fully willing to compromise. And maybe it's because you guys can see things more clearly from the outside looking in, but I don't really see a compromise.

Noah is a dreamer. What he wants to do with his life changes every five minutes. I knew this when I married him. It's part of what I love about him. It's also the big part of what's bothering me right now.

He wants to move out of the state of Ohio. I don't. I want to be near my family. But this is a compromise that I have made. I have agreed to move out of state after my student loans are cancelled in about three years. I asked that we choose a state where we know someone because I am not quite as adventurous as DS and am really afraid of not knowing anyone and starting completely from scratch.

He wants to be a photographer. I support that. We bought over $10,000 in camera equipment and spent a ton more on prints. I encourage him to sell prints and helped him get stuff together for a show. I even pushed him really hard into his current job in a professional photo house here in Cbus.

The biggest problem is that he wants to go back to school. But he doesn't know what for. It changes daily. And we just bought a house. A pretty expensive house. We're not living outside our means, but it's pretty darn close. We can't afford for him to quit his job and go back to school full time. Especially when the degree that he wants is going to require 2 years w/out a job, moving out of state, and then possibly have to move to yet another state where he can get an unpaid internship for another two years and then from all the research I've done, it will be another five years before he makes any money as a photographer. So...here's where I don't see a compromise. I'm sure this makes me sound like a bitch, but I'm not willing to put my life on hold for up to 12 years. And I'm not going to be stupid enough to bring a child into this world that we can't afford. It just sucks. And I don't see a compromise. Most things I will compromise on, and even though I said I'm extremely selfish, he has a mental health issue that BB can relate to and so on most things that aren't terribly important to me, I let him have his way. For instance, our entire house is painted and decorated in his taste b/c we don't have the same taste and according to him, my taste is bad. But it's not important enough for me to argue about. My life though, my future, that is important to me. And I am going to argue and advocate for myself. I have to or risk losing my husband. I'm a very strong willed woman and I'm not going to sacrifice the really important things in life, like kids, to my husband's dreamer/unrealistic ideas.

If you stop reading me, I'm sorry. I love that I'm meeting new people and making friends on here. I love the support. But this is a really really important issue for me and this blog is a place for me to vent and "talk" things out. When I have a problem, I call a friend and talk it out. This is my way of talking it out. I love my husband and I have no intention of leaving him. And I appreciate all the suggestions to compromise. But I don't see a compromise here.

Conflicted

I feel very conflicted right now. I'm trying to sort things out.

My husband told me last night that he doesn't want to be ordinary. I asked him to define ordinary and it's exactly what I DO want out of life. I want to own a nice home, drive a nice car, go to a job that I don't hate, have 2.4 kids, a dog, and a cat and be financially stable. He wants to travel and be someone that people will miss when he dies. I asked him, did he not think that I and our friends would miss him when he was gone? Was that not enough. He said no. I think he has a very skewed view of what he wants out of life. I don't think he realizes that 1 in 1,000 gets to be a professional photographer and only like 5 out of that small group of people gets to be a well known photographer. I'm not trying to knock his dreams, I think dreams are great, but I also need him to be realistic out of life. I'm really afraid that he's going to resent me one day. That's how his parent's relationship is. His mom married his dad and has "ruined his life" and kept him from doing the things he wanted to do out of life and his parents, although still married, don't exactly like each other let alone love each other. I don't want that for us. I don't want him to resent me and feel like I held him back from his dreams. But I'm selfish enough to want my dreams too. Lately I feel like our dreams are incompatible. One of us is going to have to give up what they want. And knowing me, it'll be him who gives up. I have a tendancy to steam roll right over him and he has a tendancy to not stick up for himself. That's not fair that he gives up his dreams, but I don't think his dreams are realistic, and honestly they are ever changing, so what do I do? I don't want to put my life on hold because he can't figure out what to do with his. God I'm a selfish cow. But even knowing that, I can't stop myself from doing selfish things and getting what I want.

O Christmas Tree

This is our pretty Christmas tree. I got 'nuthin else 'cept yay for Happy Hour with new friends, boo on bills, and t-minus 8 days until school is out.

Also, how do I manage to WAY overspend? In all seriousness I shouldn't be allowed anywhere near our money anytime soon. I'm so mad at myself right now!!!

Oh...and the roof is fixed. Some idiot thought it would be a good idea to put a drain spout over where the snow needs to melt off. But at least it was a relatively cheap fix. The dog is doing fine. He gets his stitches out next Thursday.

Seriously?

We were supposed to take my grandparents out to lunch for my grandpa's birthday right? Yeah, so we get up this morning to finish cleaning up before they get here and I walk into the kitchen, start unloading the dishwasher, and realize that my countertop is flooded with water and water is currently dripping out of my cupboards. Seriously? Did the dog not just have a huge vet bill that I haven't managed to pay yet? Do I really need this right now? The correct answer is NO. My roof is leaking. Great. Noah and his dad seem to think they can fix it. That's what they've been working on for the last...I don't know....4 hours? Right.

Friday

Yay it's Friday!!!

Satchel is doing better. If he gets through the weekend, he should be Ok. He's feeling pretty perky, although he likes to play for our sympathy and pretend he's sicker than he is. Yesterday I'm panicking b/c the dog won't get up off the floor and his stitches were bleeding a little. I call my mother in law b/c she has a mini van which is MUCH easier to get a 60lb dog who isn't allowed to jump in and out of and she came over to help me get him to the vet. She comes to the door and he leaps up and runs to the door to greet her. Jerk. Anywho...he's doing much better and will hopefully make it through the weekend just fine!

This week kind of sucked. We should have had a snow day Wednesday b/c, seriously, it took me 45 minutes to get to work. It normally takes me 10 minutes. Yeah. That sucked. But I love the pretty pretty snow! We had more snow today and I was hoping for a snow day but we didn't get one. And honestly, the roads were not bad. The kids are really rowdy b/c they can't go outside so...they're being stinkers.

My grandparents are coming over tomorrow. We're going to take my Grandpa out to lunch for his birthday. I'm excited for them to see our decorations.

Um....that's it! I'm spending money on myself when I really shouldn't b/c it's Christmas. We figured out what to get my grandparents, now we just have to go get it. We still need to figure out Noah's mom. I can't wait to hang out with Michelle when she gets back from CA. BB needs to come visit. So...yeah...have a good weekend!

Satchel Update

Well Satchel had surgery today. He had some sort of twine or thick brown string that had tied off his intestines near the top and then gone down through as his body tried to digest it. The vet said she did her best and she thinks she got all the string out and didn't nick anything while she was doing it but we won't know if he's going to be OK for about three days. I'm bringing him home tonight and then he's going back to the vet tomorrow so he can be under constant supervision for the first 24 hours. I can't figure out what he might have eaten. I seriously have no idea. I've looked all around the house. I don't use twine for anything. There was some wrapped around the Christmas tree when we brought it home, but it's all in the basement which he doesn't have access to. I just want my baby to be OK.

Home

I'm at home today b/c my dog is sick. My puppy is my baby. He's like my child. He was vomiting from about 8:00 on last night and into this morning. I called in sick and took him to the vet. She's keeping him today to see what's wrong. He gets so upset when we go to the vet. He trembles and tries to yank away. Today was worse b/c when he's sick he only wants me. He really really wants to be with me when he's sick, so when the vet tech tried to take his leash he freaked out on her.

Everyone is writing about their holidays so...I thought I'd share mine. Noah and I are dorks and already gave each other our christmas presents. I know I know...it's barely December. He got me tickets in Baltimore to see Avenue Q. I'm super psyched. So i'll get out half hour early Friday Dec. 21st and go home and pack. Saturday we'll get up at the butt crack of dawn and drive to Baltimore. Check into our hotel, go out for a fancy shmancy dinner, then go to the show. Stay overnight, hopefully get up in time to go to the art museum and the harbor and then drive back to Columbus. Here we will pick up our Christmas presents and the dog we're dogsitting for and drive to Greenville. Spend the night with my parents, get up, go to the VFW for the oyster supper with my Dad's Dad, drive to my mom's parent's house and spend Christmas Eve with her family, then drive back to Columbus in time to read The Night Before Christmas with Noah's parents, and then get up and spend Christmas day with them. It's a lot of driving and I wish I got to spend more time with my family. Usually I do, but b/c of the play we won't get there until almost Christmas Eve. I'll probably go back later and spend a couple days with them before school is back in session.

Also, update on the Christmas present status...I only have Noah's mom and my grandparents to go. Everyone else is checked off the list! Whoo hoo!!! And wrapped and under the tree might I add :)

How do you let go?

It's been almost six months, and I still can't get this off my mind. What did I do wrong? How can I fix it? Why do I even want to fix it? Why do I feel like it's somehow all my fault? How can you hate someone for two whole years, all the while pretending to be their best friend?

If anyone had asked me who my best friend was, I would have said C. I've not had a real best friend since high school and I was really happy to have found someone who felt the same way about things that I did. We both shared a love of horror movies, the more terrible and cheesy the better. We spent many evenings watching them while the boys went out and played. She got married young and eloped to do it, so she understood some of the things Noah and I have gone through as a really young married couple. Plus it was nice to just have another married couple to hang out with. They came over once a week and ate my cooking, and then usually hung out with us on the weekends too. She is a lot like my husband, whom I love dearly, so I could really understand and relate to her. I called her twice a week and we talked for an hour while I drove to class; it was the highlight of my day. I got her my amazing job with an amazing boss that was really perfect for her and really close to her husband's job so they could carpool. I confided things in her that I haven't even told my husband. I confided things to her about our relationship, my job, and just me in general. Things I was afraid of and things I wanted most in the world.

They got pregnant and we were happy for them and supported them b/c that's what friends do. We made sure that if we went out to eat, we went places that had food she could eat b/c of her gestational diabetes. When I cooked, I made sure I made things she was allowed to have. We ditched our other friends to hang out with them b/c our other friends didn't want to hang out with pregnant people. We shopped for baby gifts and were so incredibly excited. We talked about where we would go and what we would do after they had the baby and how we wanted to come to their house and hang out if they couldn't go out b/c we were so happy for them.

The baby came and we were so excited he was here. I took off an afternoon of work and got chewed out for it so I could go see him. I wanted to hold him and babysit for him from the moment I saw him. I told them how beautiful he was and listened to them talk about his birth and all the bodily functions he had done so far.

We tried to hang out with them after the baby was born and come to their house so Noah could see him, and they always had other things to do and were always busy. Finally I just asked what was wrong and they informed me that I had upset them at the hospital when I came to visit. They explained, I didn't see things the same way but I apologized b/c I definitely didn't want to hurt their feelings. They emailed Noah behind my back and asked him if they could hang out with him and not me. It came out that apparently they had hated me for the whole two years of our friendship and only put up with me for Noah. They called me a slut and a horrible person and told him that he could do better than a bitch like me.

I still have the emails they sent listing out in detail what a horrible person I am. I still think about what they said about me and about how a really important part of two year of my life was a sham and I was the only one who didn't know. I don't know how you play someone like that. I don't know how you carry on hour long conversations with someone you can't stand. I don't know how you go to their house every week and eat their food and make conversation and accept their gifts when you can't stand them. I don't know how you think you can call me a slut and a bitch and still believe that Noah is going to hang out with you and choose you over me, his wife. Most of all, I don't know why I'm still this upset. I still cry when I think about it. It came completely out of nowhere. I was totally surprised by everything they said. They in no way led me to believe they didn't like me. We hang out with people now, and it's like I'm waiting for the ax to fall. I'm waiting for them to say that they too have hated me the whole time and only put up with me for Noah. It sucks for him too. J, C's husband, was Noah's best friend. They talked about cameras and hung out together. J was one of Noah's only friends to actually be interested the same things Noah was. J sent an apology email. Sort of. Not apologizing for what they said, but apologizing for the fact that he and Noah couldn't be friends anymore because of "the way things turned out."

How do you let go?

Wednesday?

Wow? Two nights in a row?

First of all, a NordicTrack is actually a very useful exercise machine. It has three stride lengths to work three different parts of you body. And it costs less than two people gym membership and you get to keep it more than a year. But we might buy a TV instead, or save the money, or use it to to Vegas or NC (but not NC if Mim keeps being mean to me).

Went ice skating tonight, but...didn't skate. I had to hold little children's hands so they wouldn't fall. While big children tried to make me fall. I realized that I don't mind tutoring. I have learned to relax a bit when I'm tutoring. I don't feel so pressured. It's nice.

The blogging world makes me feel less alone. I read people's blogs and their me.me's and I realize that a lot of people are just like me! Weird, but comforting.

Ahem

Well it's Tuesday. Tuesday after Thanksgiving Break. Which I must say is not the best day in the world. I love Wednesdays b/c they are Writing Wednesdays (clever, I know) so the morning goes quickly. I put on music, the kids write, I edit their writing, they do a final draft. Morning is over moving on to afternoon. I like Thursdays and Fridays b/c the kids have specials on and off in the mornings so I only have all six for one hour and on Thursdays we spend that hour in Kindergarten. So Tuesdays aren't that great. And especially the ones after a break. It's like on Monday the kids are psyched to get back to school and then on Tuesday they realize that they are back at school. Damn that sucks. Also, this morning I could not get out of bed for anything. I didn't crawl my ass out of bed until 7:33. I have to leave for work at 8:15 at the latest. There went my shower.

Anyways...some good news.

#1. Not pregnant. Always a yay. My homemade morning after pill actually worked but now I've got my period two weeks in advance. Thanks pills.

#2. No flat tire. Stupid me and stupid curbs are like lovers or something. I always rub against them when I park and mroe often than not, I hit them when I'm turning a corner. I hit one Sunday night (thanks rain and thanks Noah for being unable to turn the heater off for yourself so I'm trying to turn and turn off the heater at the same time) and was 99% sure that I had a flat tire. (As far as my boss is concerned, I did) So I got someone to drive me to school and we went to the tire place after Noah got home from work and...the tire is OK. The flap of rubber hanging off the sidewall is perfectly safe (what? I know, seriously? OK....). So I didn't have to replace the tire. Because the fun thing about Subaru is they are all wheel drive. Which means that they have really really expensive sensors in the wheels. Which means that you really are supposed to replace all 4 tires at the same time, every time. Bare minimum, 2. Which means that even tho I have the road hazard insurance on my tires which replaces them for free if they can't be repaired, I still have to pay for a tire. But no flat. Thank goodness!

#3. Noah actually got paid. Like for real got paid from his new job and that means we had double pay checks this week so I got to put over $1000 back in savings. Which was awesome. Then Noah informed me that he wants to buy a NordicTrack. Seriously honey? It's Christmas!

#4. Half of my Christmas shopping is done....AND WRAPPED! I am awesome! Also, my table is decorated, my tree is up (not decorated) and we have half of our outside lights up. We are awesome. Downside, the people who are left...yeah I have no F-ing clue what to get them. But I'll figure it out.

Anywho.....Overall it's been an OK day and I'm in a pretty good mood. Looking forward to Cavatini for dinner with some great couples I know. Have a Happy Tuesday!

Black Friday

Well today, I slept in! I do not do the Black Friday thing. I used to be so thankful that Noah got out of retail b/c we did all our decorating and tree shopping today but...the new photo house where he works is open today so...the dog, cat, and I are hanging out here alone today. I would really like to go to lunch with someone right about now...

Anywho...dinner yesterday went awesome. I was prepared, dishes were clean, people mingled, tables were pretty, food was awesome. Yay me. I LOVE having thanksgiving lunch here. I don't have to choose which family I'm hanging out with it. I don't have to drive anywhere. And, best part, I didn't even have to cook! The extent of my cooking was putting the ham in the oven. My mom peeled potatoes and made the mashed potatoes I was responsible for and grandma made the gravy I was responsible for. Yay :)

We agreed to let one of our neighbor's dogs out yesterday and this morning. His name is Joey and he's a really great dog, but he's HUGE and he's not trained, and he has agression issues with other dogs. We brought him home, I did all the right things with the growling, he and Satchel were getting along OK and doing a good job, we were going to take his picture and take him back to his house to spend the night in his crate when he attacked Satchel. Satchel is Ok but it really scared me and made Noah furious. So...Joey went home sans picture and I went over this morning to let him out. His owner will be home later. I think he'd be really good for someone with no other dogs (he did fine with the cat) and someone with a really strong personality b/c he has dominance issues. But...he's so darn cute! and HUGE!

Anywho...I"ll be on the couch enjoying all the wonderful goodnes that TBS and TNT have to offer on black friday. Sorry Mim that your hubby has to work. I feel your pain today. Tomorrow we go Christmas tree shopping and decorating! Noah has started me on buying a live tree every year and I'm super excited!!!

Happy Thanksgiving part 2

Well hopefully this post will post instead of getting lost in the unknown corners of blogger universe. Yes my friends, I am actually in a good mood for once! It is always amazing to be woken up by the flower delivery person. Even if the flowers are from your Grandparents instead of your husband :) My grandma had a beautiful centerpiece delivered this morning for my table for tomorrow. Isn't it nice to know people are thinking about you? It made me smile, even tho it woke me up about a hour before I wanted to be up...

Yesterday was possibly one of the top five most boring days in my life. I probably should have done some lesson planning or something but instead I spent all seven hours of my work day on the interweb. And trust me, there isn't seven hours worth of stuff to do on the interweb when you are blocked from blogging, myspace, yahoo games, and anything with the word "sex" in it. So...I played a lot of free online games, read some blogs, emailed...but at least it was my last day of work for the week and I didn't have to deal with my little darlings.

Had happy hour with Michelle last night. It was really nice to meet her. Hope I didn't scare her off with my 50mph speaking about random topics including babies. Seriously? Who talks about babies the first time they meet someone? Apparently I do. I'll post about my "baby" issues later. Because apparently I have some. Umm....after happy hour I cranked up the ITunes and did a pretty thorough cleaning of the kitchen including mopping. Today I will swiffer and vaccum the rest of the house and pick up clean up. Probably fold some laundry while I watch reruns of ER and Law and Order.

And I want to apologize (I picked up a new reader! I'm up to three! Yay (OK dorkdom moment over)) b/c I've been really whiney lately. And last night as I was thinking about what to write about I realized that I have a pretty boring life, but that's a good thing. That means we are stable and happy. I am so lucky to have a wonderful husband who puts up with me when no one else has (literally, I've never had a friend as long as I've had Noah), a beautiful house in a great location, a good job that pays well, and family and friends (yay for new friends) who care about me. I'm really grateful for my life. There are people like my grandmother who I wish was here to share in Thanksgiving lunch with us, but I know she's watching me and I hope she's proud of me.

Anywho...I'm going to make a point to be more upbeat in my blogs. But a disclaimer must be stated. I never actually thought anyone would read my blog or I would have made one in the beginning. My husband has some issues with staying happy, so I feel like I have to be the happy, optimist in our relationship. It's hard for me to feel like I can vent and be unhappy around him b/c of the way it affects him. I've found that some of my friends took my whiney, unhappy me comments in the wrong manner and are not my friends anymore b/c they said I bitch too much...So I created this blog as a place to vent and be unhappy me. But now I have people reading it and I realize that you all don't want to read blogs from whiney me all the time so...I'm going to limit them. I'm going to try, really I am.

Happy Thanksgiving everyone!

Happy Thanksgiving!

I wrote a long post that was then deleted. Thanks blogger. Will rewrite tomorrow. As of now, I'm late for happy hour!

Meh

I'm just mopey and whiney in general. I really hurt my back raking leaves and I need to see a chiropractor but I can't until Monday so...it's going to a a long weekend. It hurts to move...walk, sit up, cross my legs...pretty much move in general. And it's going to be a long weekend. I really want to take tomorrow off but I can't afford it. Ugh. (I think Ugh is my new favorite word. sad really)

When it rains, it pours

Seriously. Everything goes wrong at the same time.

Things are still not good at school. I think I'm a nice person. I really do. But I don't always know how what I'm saying sounds to other people. I apparently said something that came across as condescending to another staff member today and she was really upset. Well that really upset me b/c I LOVE this staff member. She's awesome and it really upset me that I hurt her feelings. So we had to talk it out and fix it. And I cried. Ugh. I feel so overwhelmed by my job this year. There is too much going on and I can't possibly get to everyone. I just can't. And so the teachers are mad at me b/c I'm not everywhere at once and their kids are a problem. So I feel bad. Ugh.

Also, we keep spending money like it's nothing but it is. And it's going to catch up with us. But I'm not going to panick yet b/c it's Christmas and that's always a hard time to save any money and we just bought a house and moved so some of our bills are coming in twos right now.

Also, I did something incredibly embarassing last night in my sleep. And I just can't bring myself to tell anyone but....it was bad. And embarassing.

Also, I can't find boots. I have fat a** calves and nothing fits me. If it fits my calves, then it like bags around my ankles. And if it's leather like I want, I can't afford it. Ugh.

Sorry. I feel like everything is going wrong at the same time. I'm whiney. Forgive me.

Family

So I've finally said it out loud. My family, which is one of the most important things in my life, doesn't really care about me the way I want them to. I have made Noah stay in Ohio b/c I wanted to be within driving distance of my family so they could come see us and we could go see them. But...yeah, they never come see us. We've lived in Columbus for three and a half years almost. They have come to Columbus exactly 5 times to see us. And numerous other times they have come, they haven't even called or stopped by. It's been a lousy day and I know that finally admitting that last night was part of it. It's hard to realize that they can't be bothered to make time for me. So I guess there's really no reason for me to stay in Ohio or anywhere close. They are selfish and ask me not to move too far away, but they never take advantage of the fact that I'm less than two hours away. So...get ready for talk of moving. If not in the next couple of years, definitely in four years.

And I'm going to change schools. I was going to stay at Douglas for the rest of my "time" with CCS. I need to stay with them for at least five years to get my loans cancelled. The problem is, no one seems to know if I have to stay at the district for five years or the school for five years. There's a big difference. But I can't take this anymore. My principal spreads rumors and twists words around. He enjoys making people upset with each other. I'm sick of being his target. I'm sick of it. I don't know what I did but I can't live like this. I spend eight hours of my day at school. I spend 8 more hours sleeping and at least 2 getting ready for work and driving to and from work. That's a total of 18 hours out of a 24 hour day gone to sleep and work. I am literally miserable there. Completely and totally. I can't say anything without it being twisted around. And there's nothing I can go to the union about because there's no concrete examples. It's all gossip so there's nothing in writing or anything. I just really want to stay home and sleep for the eight hours I'm supposed to be at work. But I can't. I really want to take another mental health day. But I can't. CCS doesn't give you maternity leave. You have to use your sick days and if you run out of sick days, you have to be without pay. I don't want to have a kid anytime soon, but I only get 15 days a year. Most teachers are off for at least 6 weeks for maternity leave. If I never used any days, I would only have enough after 3 years. Ugh. I feel so trapped.

Strange

I am jealous of my friends when they are pregnant and when they have babies, but I DEFINITELY don't want their life. I don't want kids right now, I just want to be pregnant. Weird.

What to do...

I'm not really sure I have anything to say this time....I always think of things to blog about at school where I can't access the page. Then by the time I come home I've forgotten what I wanted to write about!

I went shopping Saturday. We were supposed to be Christmas shopping but that didn't happen. We didn't find anything that we liked to give people. So...we spent the money we set aside on ourselves. I bought some just "hanging out" clothes at forever 21 and H & M. I always buy things that Noah says are too dressy for hanging out so this time I made an effort to buy longsleeve t-shirts and more relaxed stuff. I am wearing one of my new shirts today :) It makes me happy. I think I'll wear another one tomorrow... :) Shopping almost always cheers me up. Spending money makes me feel better. And it's totally not a good idea now that we bought a house. Before we bought the house we could pretty much spend as we pleased and still get money back in savings every month. Now, we can barely get any money in savings and if we spend as we please, we end up taking it out. That is something I definitely don't want to see happen. Especially with Christmas right around the corner. Not cool yo.

So...I've got to be better about my spending. Seriously. And stop going out to eat so much. And still figure out something cool for this weekend...yeah, right.

Stupid birth control...

After crying for hours last night for no known reason, I've decided that I'm depressed. Either for lots and lots of reasons, or as a side effect of my birth control. I really really don't like the way I've been feeling. It's hard to pinpoint it b/c school started right about the time I started taking my birth control and the emotional rollercoaster started about a month or so after school started so...it could be either stress and the fact that I really don't like my job this year or it could be the hormones. Either way it's got to stop so....after tomorrow I am officially off the birth control for three months to see if it helps. So....fingers crossed that we don't accidentally get pregnant! That would NOT be funny.

Lots of not so fun things on tap for this weekend. Birthday party tonight but I really don't want to go, taking down the tree in the backyard tomorrow, and installing our microwave (a month after it was delivered) Sunday. And planning for Thanksgiving dinner! And taking Halloween decorations down. Bye Halloween...I will miss you!

Happy Halloween

...a little early. But I gots a lot of stuff going on tomorrow and I might not get to post and I just HAVE to when it comes to Halloween.

First off, repeat of information, but I am having a grownup dinner party. Complete with witch and bat and pumpkin shaped pasta, blood cream sauce, coffin cake, mummy appetizer, and vampire blood/black cat/something else halloween related wine. I am super psyched.

I am crazy when it comes to Halloween. It is my favorite holiday. I think it has some thing to do with me being weird and wanting to be different so I picked the creepiest, scariest, most un-christian holiday to be my favorite holiday. When I was little I used to pretend that I was a witch or a shape shifter. I would lay in my bed at night and have a little game with imaginary friends and I always had an imaginary tiger in my little imaginary world. I was awesome in my imaginary world. Sometimes I wish I was still there...moving on. I also would wish that I was a vampire. I was a nice vampire of course but I would be a vampire. I have recently discovered the Twilight series which is an AMAZING series about a vampire. It's young adult fiction so there is unforuntately no sex, but it is still incredibly well written and I am in love with the main character Edward who just happens to be a vampire. If I were to leave Noah for anyone, it would be a vampire. There's something about living forever and always being out at night that gets to me. That and dressing in black. Plus vampires are just amazingly beautiful and sexy creatures. Mmmmm. Again, have to move on. I am also a horror movie freak. When I was little, like really little, I sat in the hallway while my parents watched It and that was literally it for me. I have read almost every Stephen King novel ever written (the older stuff was much better than the newer stuff) and I try to watch scary movies when they come out. I love to be scared, but most of them don't do it. The best part about scary movies is that you are either scared which is great or they are sooooo bad that they are funny which is also acceptable. When I'm having a bad day, I rent a scary movie. One of the only scary movies to ever get to me was The Ring. It took awhile to get to me too. That's the best part. By day seven after I watched the movie, I made Noah sleep with me in my dorm and we had to unplug the TV. I'm a dork I know. Also, my parents house is haunted. I saw ghosts and my friend Ryanne can 'sense' ghosts and she refused to be left alone in any room in my house, including the bathroom. I thought it was great that the house was haunted, until the spirits got mad at me one morning and chased me out. Then it was not so cool. But that was several years ago and nothing has happened since. Creepy tho....

Anywho...I love all things Halloween and all things black. I seriously go all out and I'm SUPER excited that we might actually get trick-or-treaters this year! Yay! I really really wish I could dress up this year, but we don't have anywhere to go that's having a costume party and we missed the ones our friends had this weekend b/c we were house sitting so...no costume for me this year but seriously, I love Halloween and will be terribly sad to see it go. Yay for Halloween and all things scary!

Not dead

Not dead just....sad.

I've been sad lately. Not sure if it's my job, if it's not getting enough sleep, not happy with my body but not willing to do anything to change it, or if it's my hormones. I just have been uber cranky and uber sad lately. Don't really know how to change it either.

We house sat for my parents this weekend. I don't mind doing it for them, but I really kind of hate it. I hate my hometown and I'm embarassed to see anyone I know. I don't want to run into anyone I went to high school with. It's so small we have to drive over a half hour to go shopping or go to a movie or anything. And it's 2 hours away so we spend a lot of time driving and going back and forth from places. It sucks. We don't get anything accomplished on our own home. And I've got my family coming over for Thanksgiving and there's still a lot to do. Including hanging our microwave (which I think will take all day).

I'm excited to decorate for Christmas and Halloween but I hate to decorate for fall b/c it's so hard to find things that aren't country cutesy and aren't halloween. Plus I'm irritated. The entire retail world is in preparation for Christmas and it's not even Halloween yet! Why are there Christmas trees in stores right now? I'm not ready for Christmas!! Geesh!

This week we're....going out to dinner to celebrate Noah's new job! (Yay Noah) Then tomorrow night we're cleaning and cooking. Wednesday we're hosting a couples Halloween Dinner. I'm preparing LOTS of food so my friends better not punk out. Then Thursday I don't know what we're doing and Friday our friend Joy is having a birthday party. Busy week. No money. Not a good thing to not have any monies :( We'll make it. I'm really excited to have our first grownup dinner party!

Tired

I was reading a post today about seasonal depression and it really reminded me of Noah. He gets depressed during the winter months when it's rainy and cloudy and is much much happier when it's sunny and he can be outside. Sometimes I wonder if it doesn't happen to me. But I know I'm just in a mopey mood right now. Things aren't going well at school and it's affecting me. I'm a firm believer in, if enough people are saying it then maybe you should check to see if it's true. Well I've decided to look at me when I'm teaching and see if I've been overreacting or what in the breakfast room. I don't think I have but I'm going to keep being introspective.

At what point do you say to youself, everyone has left me and I'm alone? I feel very alone. I've got Noah which is great and he is my best friend. But who do I talk to when I'm upset with or about him? Who do I talk to about my crazy dreams that I have been having about a previous boyfriend? I know email and cell phones are around and I can talk through them, but isn't it better to sit down with someone and actually talk? I miss my friends who have moved away and I miss my friends who haven't moved but are still gone. Sometimes I hate how being married automatically means that you're a wife instead of a friend. You aren't thought of when people are going shopping or what not b/c they don't really think of you as being able to go and do things. I just want one person who I can totally be myself with and they don't judge me. Sometimes I'm crude and sometimes I'm not very sensitive and sometimes I'm downright mean. But I'm me and I'm really not a bad person once you get to know me. Sometimes I'm a little hard to know, but I'm not a bad person. I just want a real friend...

I hate fake people

What I really want is to go into school every morning and do my job. What I really want is to not have to deal with liars and fake people. What I get instead is rumor spreading, gossiping, and outright lieing.

I admit that I have lied in the past. I admit that I am not a perfect teacher. Sometimes I lose my temper and there are children that I flat out don't like. But the thing that is my trigger, and I know this, is when children are downright disrespectful and they can't be approached or talked to about it. We have at least two children, but these two are in the same family, who are beyond reaching. They are just out and out bad children. They were raised by their parents to be this way, so you can't really blame them but it doesn't mean that I have to like them or pretend that they are able to be saved/fixed/whatever you want to call it. These children are going to end up as drug dealers or in jail just like their parents. I admit that I lost my temper when one of these children stormed out of the breakfast room when I was trying to talk to them (in a nice tone of voice) while they made comments about how much they hated me and didn't want to listen to me and didn't have to listen to me. I told them that I was going to write them up after like three warnings about them coming back to talk to me. Well my bad luck that this horrible child's mother happened to be there at the same time. This woman is truly straight up g-hetto hoochie hood rat. Seriously. She left her crack pipe in the classroom when her child was in kindergarten and actually had the nerve to come back for it! She starts yelling at me telling me how she's going to beat me up and stuff right in front of the other children in the breakfast room. I calmly tell her that if she would like to speak to the principal she's welcome to. She finally finally leaves after making a HUGE scene. Today she goes in to talk to the principal and so after she leaves he wants to talk to me. He starts telling me that I was rude to her and she said that I was racist and don't know how to talk to black children and blah blah. He makes her sound like a coherant, reasonable person. Which she's not. Any person who threatens to beat up a teacher is not a reasonable person. She is not capable of these types of coherant thought. Then he proceeds to tell me that other staff members said that I was rude to her. I'm like are you kidding? So...my principal has been known to lie and gossip in the past. So I decide I'm going to go confront these staff members about what they said. Not in a confrontational manner, but just to find out like if I really was rude b/c I truly believe in my heart that I was polite. Not nice. Polite. This staff member, who I don't really care for, said that she hadn't said anything like that b/c she wasn't even in the room when the situation occurred so how could she know if I was rude or not? And as much as I don't particularly like her, I looked her in the eye when she said that and I believe her. Now tell me why my principal is making stuff up, trying to instigate a situation. Why does he feel it necessary to drive wedges in between people? I do not understand. I truly do not understand. Because I would never do anything like that. I don't instigate. Not anymore. I used to, I admit, but I grew up and I don't do it anymore. I don't even like going into school anymore b/c I don't know what he's saying or who he's saying it to. And I don't feel like I can trust him with anything b/c he twists things around.

Situations like today really really make me want to teach in a rural school. I know that there would not be hood rat hoochie mamas coming in high to confront a teacher in, say London or Greenville Ohio. It doesn't happen. You get the random parent that doesn't take care of their children, but it's not because they are high or have spent their money on drugs. And the kids are different too. They aren't in gangs in fifth grade and they don't come to school talking about how they don't have to listen to the white teachers. I chose Columbus City Schools because I liked the kids that I work with and I felt that it was an important place for me to be where I could really make a difference. But then parents, administrators, and situations like today really make me question what I'm doing. And I'm not racist. Just for the record. I dated a black man, I have black friends, I don't look at someone's race and make a judgement (bad hair or bad shoes yes, but race no). But there are certainly a lot of people, black/white/or otherwise, who look at me and make a judgement right away b/c I am white and young they assume that I can't possibly be a good teacher. And I've come to realize that some stereotypes are true...for whites, blacks, and any other race. There really are hoodrat hoochie mamas and volvo station wagon driving crackers.

But the point is, I want to go to work and do my job which is to teach childen math, reading, science, social studies, as well as life skills such as respect and how to solve our differences. And yes, I am a strict teacher. I admit that. But there is a difference between being strict and being mean. And I am not mean. I don't pick on kids for the fun of it but if your child is constantly in trouble there is a reason. And maybe it's you or your child. And maybe you should teach your child some responsability instead of always blaming someone else.

I want to confront my principal but I know it won't help. He'll just deny it and then go spread some gossip about me. Ugh. How am I going to deal with this man for the next two and a half possibly three and a half years?

This was me at the beginning of the night.

This was me at the end of the night.




All in all a lot of rum was consumed and fun was had by all. And if you were invited and punked out...well screw you. Don't expect to be invited for dinners or any of the other fun things that I do. So there.

Belated Birthday Party

Well blogger sucks b/c it won't let me upload my pictures of my belated birthday party. It was actually pretty disappointing b/c not very many people showed up. Guess it shows you who your true friends are. Shame on the people who didn't come b/c we had fun. I'll post pictures tomorrow I guess...probably after 6 b/c I can't get to this site at work. Bummer.

Awesomeness

I am full of awesomeness! I have Noah's christmas present picked out, spoken for, and it is awesome! It is exactly what he wanted but he has no idea what I'm getting him b/c I keep dropping false hints. Now I'm waiting on our landlord to get us our deposit check back so I can pay for and pick it up. I am awesome.

Also, cranky today with the kids too. I need to do something that has me less cranky with them. But they drive me nuts. They keep repeating the same thing in the same whiney tone of voice over and over until I acknowledge them except I did acknowledge them but they were too busy repeating their whiney-ness that they didn't hear me. Then I yell b/c I'm frustrated. And this poor girl. Z. Poor thing. Can't spell her own name, can't count, doesn't know her alphabet. She's in second grade. I just can't help but wonder what happens to a girl like that when she gets older? Hopefully she doesn't pop out more mentally handicapped children and since she turned the other mentally handicapped child down when he asked her to be his girlfriend I'm holding out hope....

But...most importantly...I am awesome!

Oh and I thought that the heavy girl with short hair...Sarah I think? Should have been the one sent home on ANTM. FYI in case you cared.

No title?

I have made a resolution to blog more. Maybe it will make me feel better. Who knows.

I think my student teacher thinks I'm a horrible teacher. I'm in such a foul mood today and for no reason that I think was kind of mean. I got called a bastard today ... again, not sure why. I told the student that he obviously didn't know what that word meant b/c he wasn't using it properly. Geesh. If you're going to cuss out a teacher at least use the appropriate word. Bitch would have been MUCH better.

I hate it when I'm cranky and Noah's cranky. Together we are horrible. And one of us has to pretend not to be cranky so we can be there for the other one. Yeah, that doesn't work out so well. It sucks. I am full of cranky headachy-ness today. Ugh.

Not not venting

Ok, I'm seriously not going to vent. I don't know what I'm going to talk about, but I'm not going to vent.

The house is liveable. We're slowing working on it but I did get some pictures up on the walls and feel infinitely better about that. My picture wall is up and looks amazing but unfortunately I'm out of space on it so I'm going to have to discover another place to put my pictures. Noah promises such a place exists. I'm not so sure. (A picture wall is a place where I put random antique pictures mostly of people that I don't know)

Dog is loving his yard but he did bite me so...we're working on it. He has herding dog in him and he tried to herd me. Apparently I"m not a good herder. He broke the skin on my achilles tendon and it still hurts. Dumb dog.

Noah and I were both sick on our combined birthday. Together we are 50 years old. Yay us. So our party that was Friday has been rescheduled to Saturday of this week. We get food, you get us drunk. Yay us.

Finally almost caught up on our tv watching. I'm only behind on the simpsons and family guys which will take no time at all.

Need to stop shopping. Feel this crazy need to constantly spend money. Not necessary. Going to make us broke. Need to stop. Also, student loans are starting up again. I am having a panic attack. Stupid me was trying to figure out finances and called the loan servicer. I got my masters in June, I knew payments would be due soon. Yeah, they didn't know I was done in June. They had me in school until 2009. Whoops. Now I have an incredibly large payment due and I'm not happy. Yick. Seriously. Who knew? First mortgage payment due on Nov. 1. Nervous!! My whole paycheck and a little of Noah's is going to the bank. Yikes! I can do it...breathe breathe...picked up a tutoring job on Mondays and Wednesdays, $28 an hour, four hours a week. Can do. Done. Love the kids. Was nervous when I got here tonight but the kids are great. Love them!

Anywho...that's a brief, quick, update on my life. Love anthropologie.com Is going to make me broke. Check it out. Share my blog with your friends...I feel lonely.

p.s. Can't post to These Little Moment's blog so I'm doing it here.
I wish that there was no money so I had no debt and I could get whatever I wanted whenever I wanted.
I wish that my students were better behaved.
I wish the weekends were longer.
I wish my grandma was here so I could tell her I love her.
I wish that all clothing always came in my size. Or I was the size the clothes were. Whichever.

I'm not dead in case anyone cares...

No I'm not dead. Just crazy busy. We have a ton to get done on the house and we're moving our big furniture in on Monday. Yikes! I did get the master bath celings and walls primed and painted and we got the livingroom painted. I also helped Noah put the light fixture up and we bought the stuff to work on the shower in the master bath. We bought a medicine cabinet but...it doesn't look right and it's broken so that's getting taken back. Someday. We got the stuff to put our ceiling fan in. Noah broke the existing ceiling fan in the kitchen. Go Noah. I bought my dining room table. Yay me! I also bought a pumpkin and a door mat for the front porch. We are too fun. :) Little things that make me happy. Feeling overwhelmed with the long list of "to dos" before we move in but really excited to be moving in! Yay us!

We bought a house! What?!

Venting

This is me venting about school. You don't have to read it. It's just for me.

I am sick and tired of people who don't do their own job criticize you for the way you do yours. Why is it that two grown women in their 60's sit at a desk all day and gossip while children go zooming by running down the hallways, sneaking around where they don't belong and they don't say a word. But when I say, where are you going or where are you coming from, I'm the bad guy. I'm so mean and the kids never get to have any fun when I'm around. Isn't that our job? To keep kids safe and if kids are running around the building unsupervised doesn't that seem like a scenario where the kids aren't safe?

Also, I show up for my breakfast duty every day at 9 am. It's my duty. I'm paid to be there. Why is it that these same people who can criticize me for not doing my job, don't show up for their duty? I did not ask for someone to patrol the hallway and stairs in the morning but I do think it's a good idea. And after Wednesday's incident, I definitely think it's a good idea. This woman is being paid to be at school from 8:30 to 4 pm. She rolls in about 9:15 or 9:30 every day and rolls out at about 3:30. Her assigned duty is to be in the stairs from 9:15 to 9:30. How hard is that? 15 freakin minutes people. She's not there. I go to my principal and I say, Hey, kids are running and pushing on the stairs. This isn't safe. Kids are also not going to their assigned areas, they are roaming the building making them late for class. Can we please stop this? Principal puts out a memo, please make sure children stay in their assigned classrooms from 9:15 on and reminds this staff person (for the third time might I add) to do her duty. I walk down the hall to ask a question and I get called a snitch. Oh wait, these people who don't do their job don't have the guts to actually talk to me about it. Oh no. They decide to talk to each other like I'm not there and say "There's a snitch in this building. You better watch your back." and then look at me out of the corner of their eyes. Later on, that same person who made that same comment tried to tease me about something. I was like what? Are you kidding? This isn't middle school. You don't put on airs for your friends and then when you're alone with the person you can be nice to them. This is the same person who did that same I'm going to talk about someone like they aren't even there as they walk past me thing earlier calling me immature. Are you kidding? You're the one who is 60 years old and a grandma and you're talking about me behind my back and I'M immature? Please. This is the same woman who last year was telling students that she didn't like me. Students!

In my opinion, whether you like someone at school or your job is not the point. You don't have to like them. We don't all have to hang out together after school and be best friends. But we do have to do our job. Which means that you show up for assigned duties. Which means that you treat other staff members with respect. Which means you don't let the kids notice which staff members you have a problem with. We have to present a united front. The kids pick up on that stuff really quickly. For instance, last year I told a girl she wasn't going to get recess the next day for hitting someone at lunch. Her teacher says, go tell the principal what Mrs. H said b/c I don't think that's fair. Excuse me? First of all, principal for all his faults is not going to take away a punishment that I teacher made. Second of all, you don't do that. It lets the kids think that they can play teachers against each other. It lets them think that one teacher is more important or more whatever than the other.

Basically I really want to leave my school but I can't. I really really need the $17,500 in loan cancellation and in order to get that I have to stay at a school for 5 consecutive years. The cancellation wording isn't exactly like that but from what I have gathered if you jump schools they don't cancel your loans b/c they are trying to build consistancy with the cancellations. And I can't change schools and stretch out my time b/c who knows what the husband will be doing with his life and the longer I have to stay with this district, the longer it takes for him to realize his goals. Plus, I'm not going to let them run me off. If she keeps pushing me she's going to have a confrontation and it's not going to be pretty. She's not going to like the person that comes out. And I better pray I have enough sanity to take her into the principal's office to do it or I'm going to get in trouble for what I say. I really really can't stand these people!

Whew!

So it's been a really long few days.

Wednesday we had our walkthrough with the house. Our friend the electrician found another error so we asked for the money for that. The listing agent agreed to pay us himself, but when we got to closing he wrote the check incorrectly so we're still waiting for our money....

Thursday my mom had a hysterectomy (yeah I probably didn't spell that right). So I went to Dayton to be with my dad while it was happening. That sucked b/c her surgery was only supposed to take an hour and a half, but ended up taking three and a half hours b/c of scars from her c-section. Oops...that's kind of my fault. And she had complications with the anesthesia (again, probably not spelled right) so she was in recovery a really long time too. We finally got to see her around 4:30 (her surgery was at 7:30 am) and then headed back to Columbus. Things with my dad are strange. I think it's a result of being married, but I don't like it and he doesn't seem to want to remedy it. It makes me really sad to think about how close we used to be and the distance between us now.

Friday at 10:00 am we went to the HER office and signed a gagillion papers and we are now homeowners! Yay. I think. Then we went to the house, took some pictures while we looked around and made plans and then went shopping. We went to Home Depot and bought a crap ton of paint etc. to get started on the house. I didn't know it was possible to blow over $1100 that fast. We got the master bedroom primed and painted. I still have to do a little bit of touchups and then paint the trim. We got the office (smallest bedroom) primed and painted. We got a rent a jackhammer to take out some of the concrete patio for the dog gate. Noah and his dad got the gate posts installed so all that's left to do with the gate is to actually attach the swingy parts. (I know...really technical) We also knocked out a doorway between the dining room and kitchen and started drywall mudding it. It just needs another coat or two and it will be done. We took doors off their hinges when they were in really strange spots. We ripped up carpet and took out a kazillion staples. These idiots carpet inside a tiny little 1'x1' closet with 21 staples! 21 staples! And...what else? Oh...took seagrass off the walls and began the laborious process of stipping wallpaper. Oh and new doorknobs and deadbolts for the doors. I think that's enough for Friday night, Sat., and Sun. And I'm taking a break tonight. No worky work tonight. But I know tomorrow night we'll be back over there doing the gate and the wallpaper. There are basically no overhead lights in the house so I can't paint in the evenings. It's too dark so...no touching up paint or painting new rooms until this weekend. The plan for this weekend is to get the bathroom ripped out and purchase all the new parts, purchase my dining room table, and get the living room painted. It's a really big living room/dining room/entry way area, so it's going to take a long time. I think maybe owning a house is more trouble than I imagined! At least it's rewarding b/c it's our house and we are doing it the way that we want and hopefull will be able to sell in 3 to 5 years and make a pretty big profit. OH! And I ordered all my appliances. Yay new appliances. Yay dishwasher!

Oh, and on a side note, this is the first week since school started that I'm actually going to be there for a full week! It's going to be rough...especially on the lack of sleep I've had for worrying about stuff. I told my principal I was taking Oct. 1st off to move and he kind of got mad at me! I will have taken 3 days in the first month of school. Oh well...he'll live! That's what sick days are for.

Half A$$ed

Well....

I talked to the electrician who did the work on the house. The best analogy I can come up with is...You can do your English project just good enough to get by, or you can do it right. This electrician did our electric just good enough to get by. So technically (pending walk through) it will count as remedying the issues, but we're still going to have to have it re-done ourselves. That pisses me off.

School is sucky. The kids drain me, I'm always tired. Today I got really dizzy and almost couldn't drive home. I came home to no cable, no phone, and no internet (I'm a thief and am stealing wireless from someone somewhere...thank you whoever you are). And Time Warner, God love 'em, can get to me until Friday night. Are you kidding?

I'm sorry to anyone who reads this b/c I'm just venting. I'm fussy and cranky. My mom is having surgery Thursday and although I know she's going to be fine, it still worries me. And my silly Aunt is riding to Dayton with me and I really really don't want her to. She annoys the crap out of me. Then Friday I get up bright and early and sign my life away and it makes me worried :( I know we can afford it and I know we're going to be fine but....it still makes me nervous....

Homeowners?

Well, I don't think we are going to be to be homeowners after all. We requested that the electricals be remedied before closing on Sept. 14th by a certified electrician. We called on Tuesday to see if it was done b/c we wanted the receipts. He told us on Tuesday that it was done. We finally got the receipts today and it turns out the work wasn't done until Thursday. We also requested it be done by a certified electrician, as far as I can tell it wasn't. The receipt lists the guy who did the work at the lead contractor, not a certified electrician. Also, I called an electrician and asked what it would cost to have the work done, and he quoted me over $1,000. This Russian managed to have it done for $285. That tells me that it wasn't done correctly. We are now less than 7 days before closing and it doesn't look like we're going to. I'm waiting for a call back from the electrician who did the work on the house so he can explain to me how he managed it but...I'm not holding my breath. We're going to have to pay for a certified electrican to come to the walk through with us and I'm guessing he's going to confirm what I think, which is that the work wasn't done correctly. This sucks. We both already took the day off, and for me, I can't not take it. I already called in a sub. I really want this house, but I refuse to settle for the work not being done. That was the agreement. If it's not up to code, then we're not taking it. What I'm hoping will happen is that we can offer like $5,000 less and then have the work done ourselves. That way I make sure it's done right. *sigh* i don't think we're going to be homeowners after all...what a waste of money...

September? When did that happen?

It's September. I didn't know August was over and it's September already.

School is back in session. I have possibly the lowest kids I've ever experienced, on three different grade levels, and two of the six are behavior problems. It's going to be a long and trying year...I took on lunch duty to make some extra moola. Don't know what I was thinking! Geesh. I've got to find a book that interests them so I can read while they clean up b/c they are just toooooooo loud.

Everything is going according to plan for the house. We're in business as far as I know. Haven't heard otherwise. Noah and I are picking fun stuff out. I want to buy some of it already tho!

Went to the Cincy area today to shoot some maternity pictures for some friends. She could pop any moment. I was sad tho to see that they were so suburban. I know they are happy but...I don't ever want to be that suburban. It's not for me. I want to have paint on my walls and have nice things and be fun and do interesting things. I don't want to live in a new build community where every house looks the same, you have no yard and you live on a cul-de-sac. I don't want to have stark white walls and every single furnishing in my house came from Target b/c it's trendy. Whew. Hope I didn't offend anyone there...but I'm not that person. I'll never be a stay at home mom. I want to work. I want to travel and acquire antiques and unique items from all over the world.

Am excited for this year to get underway...I know I just said it was going to be a long year, but I think it'll be better than last year and it'll be a good year. I can't wait to be a homeowner and have that responsability, not to mention a garage and a driveway so I don't have to drag groceries in from the side street. I want to wash my car in the driveway and paint and fix up the place. We just realized this week that come Sept. 14th, we will be grownups....scary.

Well...we're homebuyers!

I was all worried that the sellers would back out if they had to make repairs or refuse to make them or try to up the price in exchange for making them but I was totally wrong. They signed our request for remedy w/out any changes so it is official we are officially buying a house! I am super excited and now it's all paperwork ... some to the lender, some to the realtor, and some just stuff like insurance that has to be done. I didn't really think it would happen for us! Yay!

And I'm finding that my friends were friends and they are letting the past be in the past so....again, I'm afraid to say it but life is good!

It's been awhile...

It's been awhile since I updated. A lot has happened.

First, we are trying to buy a house. We found a great house, 1667 sq. ft, 3 bedrooms, 3 bathrooms, four level split really near by in our price range. We made an offer, they countered, we accepted. The inspection was yesterday. But, there is a major electrical problem. Apparently the breaker box was done by a 2 year old and is a safety hazard. As is the fact that they did not ground the a/c unit. Go figure. So...we've got to negotiate something with that. And I don't know what to do. I'm really afraid that they are going to say so what? And then we have to walk away b/c this is an expensive venture. I want them to say OK we'll fix it. But I don't know if they will or not. I'm nervous.

I guess that is really all that has happened. I'm trying to be more brave about talking to people from my past. I'm afraid they will stone me. I don't want that. Things happened, and I guess if you can't move on from the past then you weren't supposed to be my friend anyway, but I miss my friends and I give them more credit than that. High School was High School and College was College. Moving on. I hope.

We had a lot of bad storms that past couple of days and even into this morning but the sun is shining and I'm going to take the dog for a walk. Things will get better.

I think it'll be OK

I think everything is going to be OK.

Noah and I have yelled and cried and got through some issues. I seriously questioned our relationship and our love and our everything but have come to the conlusion I came to five years ago. I love him and we will figure it out as we go. It was really hard on both of us to question our relationship and our life together, but we came through. We talked about some hard issues including having children, buying a house, and the way that we talk to each other. We spend so much time with our friends that I think we kind of forgot how much fun we have just the two of us. We are going to have children which is a big decision. I'm wanting one right now of course but it's not a good time. We'll probably try in three years or so. We're looking for a house. Like seriously looking. Like we're going to buy and be moved in by mid Oct. beginning of Nov. seriously looking. We finally start to feel on the same page. There are times where things don't click and when I get upset but it is working and it's working better.

We are looking at houses at Lake Choctaw which I think is the best place for us. I didn't think I wanted to be that far out but it has lots of space, both in the house and in the yard. We get a lot more for our money. Noah's parents of course want us to stay in Grandview/UA and at first so did I but after some thinking and consideration, I think the Lake would be better. It would be nice to have some space...from his parents. We need some space from his parents. His mom especially.

I have been thinking about trying to send messages to some of the people I used to be friends with in college, but I'm afraid of what they will say to me. I didn't do anything that deserves the anger they feel for me but I would hope that time has passed. I miss my friends. But I guess if they can't forgive/forget then they aren't my friends. It makes me nervous.

My non-life threatening medical emergency is hopefully going to turn out to be nothing. So...I'm feeling good. I feel like I'm going to live and things are going to be OK. Now that I've said that my car will be totalled or something horrible like that but...for now, I think things will be OK.

Weird Dreams

Sometimes you have a dream that is just so weird you have to commit it to paper so you don't forget it. I dreamed that I was pregnant. But not normal pregnant of course, that would be a boring dream. I dreamed that my belly was really thin like a balloon and people kept trying to see the baby move but she didn't want to move. I was afraid she was dead so I picked up my balloon stomach and talked to it and she began to move. But my tummy was thin like a balloon too so when she put her little fist up, it looked like she was going to punch through and you could see all the little fingers. We were in a nursing home visiting someone and my whole family was there so I asked the baby if she was ready to come out and she was. Except my dad made us walk through the whole crazy hospital pointing out which nurses he knew etc. (apparently the nursing home was really a hospital). So we get to my room and they gave me an epidural and apparently that's all my mind can really handle right now because next thing I knew there was my baby. And we had her in a crib and she was really cute. Except in the room next door my parent's baby (I didn't even know my mom was pregnant) was in a crib and it was covered in barbeque sauce and it was dead. My parents said they should have known better and that this was my first baby and I was a better parent than they were.

Weird. Although I think I must be a better parent than my parents b/c my baby wasn't covered in BBQ sauce and dead. So...yeah.

A while?

I haven't blogged in awhile but that's OK b/c nobody but me reads these anyway :) My cookout was a bummer. I wanted more people to be there and for it to be more fun. Ah well. I am cooking once a week for my friends again. I love to cook. We're having enchiladas this week. Yum. My husband and I got into a huge fight. Sometimes I feel like I'm invisible behind him. It sucks. I can't be myself and I don't find myself in our house anywhere. He makes most of the decisions. We had a blow out about it. I think things are going to be OK. We're getting to be able to feel normal again so that's a plus. We are going to try to buy our condo in like october when the money gets here and then it's going to be a mad rush to get everything on the kitchen completed before thanksgiving! we will be super busy and it will probably take a couple days off work plus all our weekends to get it done. although it will be super nice when it's done.

I just don't feel like myself anymore. I know that I'm a nice person, but this shit with my so called best friend has really gotten to me. The shame of it is, it hasn't gotten to them at all. Ugh. I just don't really know who I am anymore. I don't know how I like to dress or what I like to listen to or what I like at all anymore. I have to figure all that out. My husband says I'm having a quarter life crisis. Maybe I am. Myabe we did get married too young and maybe I finished with school and started my career too young. Who knows. But I do not give up on my marriage that easily so we will try to work things out. We will keep trying and we will make it work. I love my husband, we can do this.

Going to apply for a new job. Wish me luck. I'm totally unqualified but I really want it so I'm going to give it a shot. Fingers crossed!

I will miss you Sadie

My (my parents) dog died Saturday. She had congestive heart failure for a couple of years now. She ate about a dozen giant uncooked bratwurst Friday and all of the throwing up weakened her heart and her lungs filled up with fluid. We got her when I was 11 and I will miss her a lot. She was a really good, sweet lab. Dad is taking it really hard. I hope it gets easier for him.

Had a cookout Saturday for my graduation for getting my masters. Not very many ppl showed up. Guess it shows you who your friends are. Especially when they lie about why they aren't coming. It's OK that you don't want to drive two hours. I understand. But be honest. Don't tell me that you're going to lie to your work and tell them your other work wants you to work and then tell me the same lie. It doesn't work well. Especially when I see that you were online at 1 in the afternoon. It's OK tho. I will live.

I want to spend money right now. I want to buy things like it's my job. That's what I do when I get upset. I either sleep or buy stuff. But I shouldn't buy stuff. We have worked hard to get our savings where it is and our credit down where it is and I would hate to spend it all on frivolous stuffs like clothing. Especially when I need to lose some weight. Going to New York to the beach the first weekend in Aug. I need to wear a swimsuit. Our friend's girlfriend is a beanpole. I am not. ugh. Need to lose weight. Making pasta al forno for dinner really isn't the way to do it though I don't think...ah well. such is life. I am too lazy to lose weight but not too lazy to complain about the fact that I'm too lazy. Did that even make sense?

Sad and bored

Well, the friendship is officially over and they blame us. I feel like I'm 12 again instead of 23. This sucks. It makes me sad...more sad than I thought it would. Things were said that can never be taken back, I don't think they will ever want to take them back but if they do, they can't. Instead of managing to remain adults through this, they chose to be 12 again and hurl insults. My friend J, who insists that he be my new best friend, says I'm better off and I know that's true. It just hurts to realize that I shared deep parts of myself, secret parts of myself, with this person and all along they despised me. I had to ask my husband if I was really as bad as they made me out to be.

Now I'm just bored. I don't work until tomorrow, I'm sad and depressed, and I don't have anything to do. All my friends work like normal people. They aren't lucky enough to have summers off. The longer I sit here the more miserable I become. Ugh.

And it gets worse...

And it gets worse. These so called friends of mine have been sending emails to my husband this whole time behind my back insisting that he remain friends with the two of them even tho they apparently, just now out of the blue of three years of friendship, can't be friends with me anymore. My husband just stood up for me for probably the first time in our marriage and I can't believe, yet again, how much he loves me. I know this is killing him. I can't imagine asking one of my friends to chose me over their spouse. How insensitive is that? It's shocking really. They call me selfish, what the hell is that?

Weeel....

Well, I'm not really sure what to say here. I feel like I just need an outlet for my daily frustrations.

Right now I'm pretty frustrated with some people who I thought were my friends. For over two years, might I add. They are a few years older than we are and decided to have a child. More power to them. That's not for me right now. I'm a teacher and I deal with children all day long. I'm also a coach so I deal with them on the weekends too. I love kids. But when I go home, I want to go home to a fairly quiet house where just me, my husband, our dog, cat, and a few different fish reside. I want to be selfish and buy the new car/furniture/vacation/etc. that I want and not be focused entirely on a child. What I don't understand is why they all of a sudden completely changed who they are b/c they now have a child. Having a child doesn't change your personality. It definitely shouldn't change your friendships. I don't understand it. They want ME to change b/c THEY chose to have a child. I'm sorry, I'm not going to do that. And now they think if they send my husband emails about me, that he's going to decide to still be friends with them and hang out with them and their child (my husband hates kids) without me. They are really wrong. All they are doing is making him mad and upsetting him and pushing him away from them. They obviously know nothing about him. Ugh. I just don't get it. This experience is making it really hard for me to convince my husband to have children some day. They have both completely changed over this child and now my husband thinks that is the norm and it's not. You don't have to stop being friends with everyone else, quit your job, and become a hermit just because you have a child. And, I have to say it, they aren't anything special. People all over the world have children every single day. Nothing big and amazing happened here. They were only trying to have a child for five days before she got pregnant. Whoopdy doo. Good for you. It just really hurts when you think someone is your friend for over two years, and then they decide to tell your husband that, "to be honest, Kari makes us uncomfortable, but we still want to be friends with you." Give me a break. Now who's selfish?