Thursday, December 13, 2007

Conflicted

I feel very conflicted right now. I'm trying to sort things out.

My husband told me last night that he doesn't want to be ordinary. I asked him to define ordinary and it's exactly what I DO want out of life. I want to own a nice home, drive a nice car, go to a job that I don't hate, have 2.4 kids, a dog, and a cat and be financially stable. He wants to travel and be someone that people will miss when he dies. I asked him, did he not think that I and our friends would miss him when he was gone? Was that not enough. He said no. I think he has a very skewed view of what he wants out of life. I don't think he realizes that 1 in 1,000 gets to be a professional photographer and only like 5 out of that small group of people gets to be a well known photographer. I'm not trying to knock his dreams, I think dreams are great, but I also need him to be realistic out of life. I'm really afraid that he's going to resent me one day. That's how his parent's relationship is. His mom married his dad and has "ruined his life" and kept him from doing the things he wanted to do out of life and his parents, although still married, don't exactly like each other let alone love each other. I don't want that for us. I don't want him to resent me and feel like I held him back from his dreams. But I'm selfish enough to want my dreams too. Lately I feel like our dreams are incompatible. One of us is going to have to give up what they want. And knowing me, it'll be him who gives up. I have a tendancy to steam roll right over him and he has a tendancy to not stick up for himself. That's not fair that he gives up his dreams, but I don't think his dreams are realistic, and honestly they are ever changing, so what do I do? I don't want to put my life on hold because he can't figure out what to do with his. God I'm a selfish cow. But even knowing that, I can't stop myself from doing selfish things and getting what I want.

7 comments:

La said...

I don't think either of you have to give up your dreams. If I've learned anything? It's that you need compromise to make relationships work. There's nothing wrong having your own dreams, and your husband having his own; just make sure they meet somewhere in the middle.
:)

Miriam said...

You're not selfish. Goodness! I mean you guys have been married for what 3 almost 4 years now? It's about time for this to happen. You don't have to compromise and neither does Noah. You just have to work through it.

http://lspoon.wordpress.com

Stephanie said...

That's tough. It sounds like you two are opposites - you, the realistic one, and he, the idealistic one. However, there's always compromise and I'm sure you two will both be able to have some part of your dreams. Meeting somewhere in the middle - isn't that what relationships are all about?

Passionista said...

If you are, as you say, selfish and you get what you want, then what happens if he does resent you? I'm sure that's something you definitely don't want. You may be right that his dream will not be fulfilled but you may have to let him learn that for himself. I can't predict the future nor claim to know what will happen but I do think these are all possibilities you need to consider. Way out the pros and cons of letting him live his dream and find a compromise. You can always support him but put a time limit on it, that way he knows you are behind him, but that he can't keep pursuing these lofty ideas forever. Just a thought, good luck!

Michelle said...

there MAY be a compromise here Kari as much as I know you don't want to believe it. how about scheduling exotic trips/vacations once a year? maybe not taking the kids if you have them. i'm sure he doesn't mean he doesn't want a normal life (kids, jobs, etc) but maybe just something a little extra.

heart you!
xoxo

A Lil' Irish Lass said...

This is a tough one. In my last relationship, I felt tremendously held back and he felt tremendously pushed. Eventually, things ended, but I feel like this was less about our disparate needs than it was about our inability (or unwillingness?) to work at it. I think it's important for you guys to keep those communication lines open and each be willing to give a little. It doesn't work if one person is the one who gives up everything. But, if each is willing to meet the other halfway, things fall into place. Who knows, you might find yourself expanding your definition of what you want and he might find himself anchoring some of his far-fetched dreams into more realistic goals :)

distractedspunk said...

I'm with the others. What happened?