How do you let go?

It's been almost six months, and I still can't get this off my mind. What did I do wrong? How can I fix it? Why do I even want to fix it? Why do I feel like it's somehow all my fault? How can you hate someone for two whole years, all the while pretending to be their best friend?

If anyone had asked me who my best friend was, I would have said C. I've not had a real best friend since high school and I was really happy to have found someone who felt the same way about things that I did. We both shared a love of horror movies, the more terrible and cheesy the better. We spent many evenings watching them while the boys went out and played. She got married young and eloped to do it, so she understood some of the things Noah and I have gone through as a really young married couple. Plus it was nice to just have another married couple to hang out with. They came over once a week and ate my cooking, and then usually hung out with us on the weekends too. She is a lot like my husband, whom I love dearly, so I could really understand and relate to her. I called her twice a week and we talked for an hour while I drove to class; it was the highlight of my day. I got her my amazing job with an amazing boss that was really perfect for her and really close to her husband's job so they could carpool. I confided things in her that I haven't even told my husband. I confided things to her about our relationship, my job, and just me in general. Things I was afraid of and things I wanted most in the world.

They got pregnant and we were happy for them and supported them b/c that's what friends do. We made sure that if we went out to eat, we went places that had food she could eat b/c of her gestational diabetes. When I cooked, I made sure I made things she was allowed to have. We ditched our other friends to hang out with them b/c our other friends didn't want to hang out with pregnant people. We shopped for baby gifts and were so incredibly excited. We talked about where we would go and what we would do after they had the baby and how we wanted to come to their house and hang out if they couldn't go out b/c we were so happy for them.

The baby came and we were so excited he was here. I took off an afternoon of work and got chewed out for it so I could go see him. I wanted to hold him and babysit for him from the moment I saw him. I told them how beautiful he was and listened to them talk about his birth and all the bodily functions he had done so far.

We tried to hang out with them after the baby was born and come to their house so Noah could see him, and they always had other things to do and were always busy. Finally I just asked what was wrong and they informed me that I had upset them at the hospital when I came to visit. They explained, I didn't see things the same way but I apologized b/c I definitely didn't want to hurt their feelings. They emailed Noah behind my back and asked him if they could hang out with him and not me. It came out that apparently they had hated me for the whole two years of our friendship and only put up with me for Noah. They called me a slut and a horrible person and told him that he could do better than a bitch like me.

I still have the emails they sent listing out in detail what a horrible person I am. I still think about what they said about me and about how a really important part of two year of my life was a sham and I was the only one who didn't know. I don't know how you play someone like that. I don't know how you carry on hour long conversations with someone you can't stand. I don't know how you go to their house every week and eat their food and make conversation and accept their gifts when you can't stand them. I don't know how you think you can call me a slut and a bitch and still believe that Noah is going to hang out with you and choose you over me, his wife. Most of all, I don't know why I'm still this upset. I still cry when I think about it. It came completely out of nowhere. I was totally surprised by everything they said. They in no way led me to believe they didn't like me. We hang out with people now, and it's like I'm waiting for the ax to fall. I'm waiting for them to say that they too have hated me the whole time and only put up with me for Noah. It sucks for him too. J, C's husband, was Noah's best friend. They talked about cameras and hung out together. J was one of Noah's only friends to actually be interested the same things Noah was. J sent an apology email. Sort of. Not apologizing for what they said, but apologizing for the fact that he and Noah couldn't be friends anymore because of "the way things turned out."

How do you let go?

Wednesday?

Wow? Two nights in a row?

First of all, a NordicTrack is actually a very useful exercise machine. It has three stride lengths to work three different parts of you body. And it costs less than two people gym membership and you get to keep it more than a year. But we might buy a TV instead, or save the money, or use it to to Vegas or NC (but not NC if Mim keeps being mean to me).

Went ice skating tonight, but...didn't skate. I had to hold little children's hands so they wouldn't fall. While big children tried to make me fall. I realized that I don't mind tutoring. I have learned to relax a bit when I'm tutoring. I don't feel so pressured. It's nice.

The blogging world makes me feel less alone. I read people's blogs and their me.me's and I realize that a lot of people are just like me! Weird, but comforting.

Ahem

Well it's Tuesday. Tuesday after Thanksgiving Break. Which I must say is not the best day in the world. I love Wednesdays b/c they are Writing Wednesdays (clever, I know) so the morning goes quickly. I put on music, the kids write, I edit their writing, they do a final draft. Morning is over moving on to afternoon. I like Thursdays and Fridays b/c the kids have specials on and off in the mornings so I only have all six for one hour and on Thursdays we spend that hour in Kindergarten. So Tuesdays aren't that great. And especially the ones after a break. It's like on Monday the kids are psyched to get back to school and then on Tuesday they realize that they are back at school. Damn that sucks. Also, this morning I could not get out of bed for anything. I didn't crawl my ass out of bed until 7:33. I have to leave for work at 8:15 at the latest. There went my shower.

Anyways...some good news.

#1. Not pregnant. Always a yay. My homemade morning after pill actually worked but now I've got my period two weeks in advance. Thanks pills.

#2. No flat tire. Stupid me and stupid curbs are like lovers or something. I always rub against them when I park and mroe often than not, I hit them when I'm turning a corner. I hit one Sunday night (thanks rain and thanks Noah for being unable to turn the heater off for yourself so I'm trying to turn and turn off the heater at the same time) and was 99% sure that I had a flat tire. (As far as my boss is concerned, I did) So I got someone to drive me to school and we went to the tire place after Noah got home from work and...the tire is OK. The flap of rubber hanging off the sidewall is perfectly safe (what? I know, seriously? OK....). So I didn't have to replace the tire. Because the fun thing about Subaru is they are all wheel drive. Which means that they have really really expensive sensors in the wheels. Which means that you really are supposed to replace all 4 tires at the same time, every time. Bare minimum, 2. Which means that even tho I have the road hazard insurance on my tires which replaces them for free if they can't be repaired, I still have to pay for a tire. But no flat. Thank goodness!

#3. Noah actually got paid. Like for real got paid from his new job and that means we had double pay checks this week so I got to put over $1000 back in savings. Which was awesome. Then Noah informed me that he wants to buy a NordicTrack. Seriously honey? It's Christmas!

#4. Half of my Christmas shopping is done....AND WRAPPED! I am awesome! Also, my table is decorated, my tree is up (not decorated) and we have half of our outside lights up. We are awesome. Downside, the people who are left...yeah I have no F-ing clue what to get them. But I'll figure it out.

Anywho.....Overall it's been an OK day and I'm in a pretty good mood. Looking forward to Cavatini for dinner with some great couples I know. Have a Happy Tuesday!

Black Friday

Well today, I slept in! I do not do the Black Friday thing. I used to be so thankful that Noah got out of retail b/c we did all our decorating and tree shopping today but...the new photo house where he works is open today so...the dog, cat, and I are hanging out here alone today. I would really like to go to lunch with someone right about now...

Anywho...dinner yesterday went awesome. I was prepared, dishes were clean, people mingled, tables were pretty, food was awesome. Yay me. I LOVE having thanksgiving lunch here. I don't have to choose which family I'm hanging out with it. I don't have to drive anywhere. And, best part, I didn't even have to cook! The extent of my cooking was putting the ham in the oven. My mom peeled potatoes and made the mashed potatoes I was responsible for and grandma made the gravy I was responsible for. Yay :)

We agreed to let one of our neighbor's dogs out yesterday and this morning. His name is Joey and he's a really great dog, but he's HUGE and he's not trained, and he has agression issues with other dogs. We brought him home, I did all the right things with the growling, he and Satchel were getting along OK and doing a good job, we were going to take his picture and take him back to his house to spend the night in his crate when he attacked Satchel. Satchel is Ok but it really scared me and made Noah furious. So...Joey went home sans picture and I went over this morning to let him out. His owner will be home later. I think he'd be really good for someone with no other dogs (he did fine with the cat) and someone with a really strong personality b/c he has dominance issues. But...he's so darn cute! and HUGE!

Anywho...I"ll be on the couch enjoying all the wonderful goodnes that TBS and TNT have to offer on black friday. Sorry Mim that your hubby has to work. I feel your pain today. Tomorrow we go Christmas tree shopping and decorating! Noah has started me on buying a live tree every year and I'm super excited!!!

Happy Thanksgiving part 2

Well hopefully this post will post instead of getting lost in the unknown corners of blogger universe. Yes my friends, I am actually in a good mood for once! It is always amazing to be woken up by the flower delivery person. Even if the flowers are from your Grandparents instead of your husband :) My grandma had a beautiful centerpiece delivered this morning for my table for tomorrow. Isn't it nice to know people are thinking about you? It made me smile, even tho it woke me up about a hour before I wanted to be up...

Yesterday was possibly one of the top five most boring days in my life. I probably should have done some lesson planning or something but instead I spent all seven hours of my work day on the interweb. And trust me, there isn't seven hours worth of stuff to do on the interweb when you are blocked from blogging, myspace, yahoo games, and anything with the word "sex" in it. So...I played a lot of free online games, read some blogs, emailed...but at least it was my last day of work for the week and I didn't have to deal with my little darlings.

Had happy hour with Michelle last night. It was really nice to meet her. Hope I didn't scare her off with my 50mph speaking about random topics including babies. Seriously? Who talks about babies the first time they meet someone? Apparently I do. I'll post about my "baby" issues later. Because apparently I have some. Umm....after happy hour I cranked up the ITunes and did a pretty thorough cleaning of the kitchen including mopping. Today I will swiffer and vaccum the rest of the house and pick up clean up. Probably fold some laundry while I watch reruns of ER and Law and Order.

And I want to apologize (I picked up a new reader! I'm up to three! Yay (OK dorkdom moment over)) b/c I've been really whiney lately. And last night as I was thinking about what to write about I realized that I have a pretty boring life, but that's a good thing. That means we are stable and happy. I am so lucky to have a wonderful husband who puts up with me when no one else has (literally, I've never had a friend as long as I've had Noah), a beautiful house in a great location, a good job that pays well, and family and friends (yay for new friends) who care about me. I'm really grateful for my life. There are people like my grandmother who I wish was here to share in Thanksgiving lunch with us, but I know she's watching me and I hope she's proud of me.

Anywho...I'm going to make a point to be more upbeat in my blogs. But a disclaimer must be stated. I never actually thought anyone would read my blog or I would have made one in the beginning. My husband has some issues with staying happy, so I feel like I have to be the happy, optimist in our relationship. It's hard for me to feel like I can vent and be unhappy around him b/c of the way it affects him. I've found that some of my friends took my whiney, unhappy me comments in the wrong manner and are not my friends anymore b/c they said I bitch too much...So I created this blog as a place to vent and be unhappy me. But now I have people reading it and I realize that you all don't want to read blogs from whiney me all the time so...I'm going to limit them. I'm going to try, really I am.

Happy Thanksgiving everyone!

Happy Thanksgiving!

I wrote a long post that was then deleted. Thanks blogger. Will rewrite tomorrow. As of now, I'm late for happy hour!

Meh

I'm just mopey and whiney in general. I really hurt my back raking leaves and I need to see a chiropractor but I can't until Monday so...it's going to a a long weekend. It hurts to move...walk, sit up, cross my legs...pretty much move in general. And it's going to be a long weekend. I really want to take tomorrow off but I can't afford it. Ugh. (I think Ugh is my new favorite word. sad really)

When it rains, it pours

Seriously. Everything goes wrong at the same time.

Things are still not good at school. I think I'm a nice person. I really do. But I don't always know how what I'm saying sounds to other people. I apparently said something that came across as condescending to another staff member today and she was really upset. Well that really upset me b/c I LOVE this staff member. She's awesome and it really upset me that I hurt her feelings. So we had to talk it out and fix it. And I cried. Ugh. I feel so overwhelmed by my job this year. There is too much going on and I can't possibly get to everyone. I just can't. And so the teachers are mad at me b/c I'm not everywhere at once and their kids are a problem. So I feel bad. Ugh.

Also, we keep spending money like it's nothing but it is. And it's going to catch up with us. But I'm not going to panick yet b/c it's Christmas and that's always a hard time to save any money and we just bought a house and moved so some of our bills are coming in twos right now.

Also, I did something incredibly embarassing last night in my sleep. And I just can't bring myself to tell anyone but....it was bad. And embarassing.

Also, I can't find boots. I have fat a** calves and nothing fits me. If it fits my calves, then it like bags around my ankles. And if it's leather like I want, I can't afford it. Ugh.

Sorry. I feel like everything is going wrong at the same time. I'm whiney. Forgive me.

Family

So I've finally said it out loud. My family, which is one of the most important things in my life, doesn't really care about me the way I want them to. I have made Noah stay in Ohio b/c I wanted to be within driving distance of my family so they could come see us and we could go see them. But...yeah, they never come see us. We've lived in Columbus for three and a half years almost. They have come to Columbus exactly 5 times to see us. And numerous other times they have come, they haven't even called or stopped by. It's been a lousy day and I know that finally admitting that last night was part of it. It's hard to realize that they can't be bothered to make time for me. So I guess there's really no reason for me to stay in Ohio or anywhere close. They are selfish and ask me not to move too far away, but they never take advantage of the fact that I'm less than two hours away. So...get ready for talk of moving. If not in the next couple of years, definitely in four years.

And I'm going to change schools. I was going to stay at Douglas for the rest of my "time" with CCS. I need to stay with them for at least five years to get my loans cancelled. The problem is, no one seems to know if I have to stay at the district for five years or the school for five years. There's a big difference. But I can't take this anymore. My principal spreads rumors and twists words around. He enjoys making people upset with each other. I'm sick of being his target. I'm sick of it. I don't know what I did but I can't live like this. I spend eight hours of my day at school. I spend 8 more hours sleeping and at least 2 getting ready for work and driving to and from work. That's a total of 18 hours out of a 24 hour day gone to sleep and work. I am literally miserable there. Completely and totally. I can't say anything without it being twisted around. And there's nothing I can go to the union about because there's no concrete examples. It's all gossip so there's nothing in writing or anything. I just really want to stay home and sleep for the eight hours I'm supposed to be at work. But I can't. I really want to take another mental health day. But I can't. CCS doesn't give you maternity leave. You have to use your sick days and if you run out of sick days, you have to be without pay. I don't want to have a kid anytime soon, but I only get 15 days a year. Most teachers are off for at least 6 weeks for maternity leave. If I never used any days, I would only have enough after 3 years. Ugh. I feel so trapped.

Strange

I am jealous of my friends when they are pregnant and when they have babies, but I DEFINITELY don't want their life. I don't want kids right now, I just want to be pregnant. Weird.

What to do...

I'm not really sure I have anything to say this time....I always think of things to blog about at school where I can't access the page. Then by the time I come home I've forgotten what I wanted to write about!

I went shopping Saturday. We were supposed to be Christmas shopping but that didn't happen. We didn't find anything that we liked to give people. So...we spent the money we set aside on ourselves. I bought some just "hanging out" clothes at forever 21 and H & M. I always buy things that Noah says are too dressy for hanging out so this time I made an effort to buy longsleeve t-shirts and more relaxed stuff. I am wearing one of my new shirts today :) It makes me happy. I think I'll wear another one tomorrow... :) Shopping almost always cheers me up. Spending money makes me feel better. And it's totally not a good idea now that we bought a house. Before we bought the house we could pretty much spend as we pleased and still get money back in savings every month. Now, we can barely get any money in savings and if we spend as we please, we end up taking it out. That is something I definitely don't want to see happen. Especially with Christmas right around the corner. Not cool yo.

So...I've got to be better about my spending. Seriously. And stop going out to eat so much. And still figure out something cool for this weekend...yeah, right.

Stupid birth control...

After crying for hours last night for no known reason, I've decided that I'm depressed. Either for lots and lots of reasons, or as a side effect of my birth control. I really really don't like the way I've been feeling. It's hard to pinpoint it b/c school started right about the time I started taking my birth control and the emotional rollercoaster started about a month or so after school started so...it could be either stress and the fact that I really don't like my job this year or it could be the hormones. Either way it's got to stop so....after tomorrow I am officially off the birth control for three months to see if it helps. So....fingers crossed that we don't accidentally get pregnant! That would NOT be funny.

Lots of not so fun things on tap for this weekend. Birthday party tonight but I really don't want to go, taking down the tree in the backyard tomorrow, and installing our microwave (a month after it was delivered) Sunday. And planning for Thanksgiving dinner! And taking Halloween decorations down. Bye Halloween...I will miss you!