Guess what's in my garage???
My car!!!
Yes, that's right people. My husband and I spent four hours cleaning out the garage so my car would fit! Yay us! :)
Monday, January 28, 2008
Friday, January 25, 2008
Can I cry on your shoulder?
I have just had a rotten day. A day that makes me want to quit teaching. It actually makes me want to quit life.
I have a student who is in second grade. Her IQ is 60 which is mentally retarded and she's really really low. She is not able to write her own name, she doesn't know where she lives, nothing. But she is a really really sweet girl and she tries so hard. Well she's had some attendance issues and she's routinely dirty and unkempt and mom has been to court to maintain custody of her. It came to my attention this week that she has been walking home a ridiculously long way all by herself. This is a girl who doesn't know where she lives, what her phone number is, and would get in a car with a stranger. She is not cognitively able to walk home by herself. In this ridiculously long walk, she is crossing a major road with no assistance. She does not have socks on, she has no hat and she has no gloves. It is 15 degrees out. On Wednesday the bus driver took her back to the barn and waited for someone to come get Z. Mom finally showed up at 6:45, high as a kite and wanted to take her home. At this point in time, rather than changing the bus stop, mom decides to sign a paper stating that Z can walk home all by herself. Mom also informed the bus driver that they are homeless. Thursday night no one is at the bus stop again. So today I had to call Children's Services. I spent all day on the phone trying to talk to her case worker, her court appointed guardian, FCCS, and the bus driver trying to make sure this little girl didn't have to get on that bus. Finally FCCS has me call the police to come pick her up and take her to the intake station. Not even five minutes before the police officer showed up, Z's case worker came. There was some discussion and the case worker ended up taking Z home. She took Z home. To a house, or maybe no house b/c Z says she doesn't live there. To a place where Z sleeps on a mattress on the floor that she shares with another little girl. To a house where Z is left in charge of her 1 year old brother for extended periods of time. To a house where, when we buy her a new coat, Auntie takes it away from her and gives it to her cousins. To a house where her mom is on drugs and takes the money that Z's bus driver gave Z to buy books from Scholastic for drugs. Z should have been removed from that house. She should not have been sent home.
How do things like this happen?
I have a student who is in second grade. Her IQ is 60 which is mentally retarded and she's really really low. She is not able to write her own name, she doesn't know where she lives, nothing. But she is a really really sweet girl and she tries so hard. Well she's had some attendance issues and she's routinely dirty and unkempt and mom has been to court to maintain custody of her. It came to my attention this week that she has been walking home a ridiculously long way all by herself. This is a girl who doesn't know where she lives, what her phone number is, and would get in a car with a stranger. She is not cognitively able to walk home by herself. In this ridiculously long walk, she is crossing a major road with no assistance. She does not have socks on, she has no hat and she has no gloves. It is 15 degrees out. On Wednesday the bus driver took her back to the barn and waited for someone to come get Z. Mom finally showed up at 6:45, high as a kite and wanted to take her home. At this point in time, rather than changing the bus stop, mom decides to sign a paper stating that Z can walk home all by herself. Mom also informed the bus driver that they are homeless. Thursday night no one is at the bus stop again. So today I had to call Children's Services. I spent all day on the phone trying to talk to her case worker, her court appointed guardian, FCCS, and the bus driver trying to make sure this little girl didn't have to get on that bus. Finally FCCS has me call the police to come pick her up and take her to the intake station. Not even five minutes before the police officer showed up, Z's case worker came. There was some discussion and the case worker ended up taking Z home. She took Z home. To a house, or maybe no house b/c Z says she doesn't live there. To a place where Z sleeps on a mattress on the floor that she shares with another little girl. To a house where Z is left in charge of her 1 year old brother for extended periods of time. To a house where, when we buy her a new coat, Auntie takes it away from her and gives it to her cousins. To a house where her mom is on drugs and takes the money that Z's bus driver gave Z to buy books from Scholastic for drugs. Z should have been removed from that house. She should not have been sent home.
How do things like this happen?
Thursday, January 24, 2008
Dreams
Thanks Virginia. I was going to share my latest crazy dream with you all anyway, but reading her post tonight reminded me to do it!
So....not last night, but the night before, I had a dream about bears.
Noah and I were at Kings Island and I don't remember what ride we were in line for, but someone grabbed us and yelled "Tornado!" and shoved us inside a tiny little metal building. So we're all standing around, cramped in this tiny little room for what seems like forever. (What does this have to do with bears you say? Just wait. It's coming.) Noah gets tired of waiting and is like, "Let's go look outside. We're essentially in a trailer anyway, so being outside can't be any worse right?" So we go outside and to our left, the sky is massively dark and there's a huge tornado spinning. Well the car is to the right, so Noah decides that we should make a run for it. While we're running for the car, we notice another tornado over on our right. But not as big. (Where's the bear again?) So we get in the car and go to leave and apparently everyone else had the same idea. So we're waiting in this long line of cars to exit the park. Finally we get to exit and it's our turn to turn right onto the road and at this point I get fuzzy. I think we were in an accident but I'm not sure. Somehow the car is now gone and we have a bike. One bike. One cheap crappy Wal-Mart mountain bike. And Noah's riding it of course. And complaining about how the suspension is too stiff and it's not handling well. So we're riding, well he's riding I'm walking, the bike down the curvy road surrounded by woods, and we see a bunch of big green vans sitting by the side of the road. You know the kind of vans that colleges and churches take? So like four of those, empty with their doors open sitting by the side of the road. So we ditch the bike and walk down the road very sneakily wondering what's going on. As we turn the corner (here it comes!) we see a huge male bear hanging from a tree. Hanging like a suicide in a noose from a tree. And the momma bear is chasing her baby bear around below the body. Well the baby bear sees us and decides he wants to play with us so it starts chasing us. And of course momma is chasing him. We run and try to get away. We end up climbing on a statue of a bear that fell over during the tornado. And the baby bear wants to play with us so he swipes at us as we are climbing and he scratches me and I scream and he falls off the statue. So by now the momma bear has caught up with us and I'm thinking she's going to attack us and I'm scared. So she climbs up after us and looks at us and says, "My baby seems to like you. Would you like to come home with us and live in our bear community?" So we go home with the bears and live with them until we get bored and decide to go home.
That was seriously my dream. I didn't make any of that up. Promise.
So....not last night, but the night before, I had a dream about bears.
Noah and I were at Kings Island and I don't remember what ride we were in line for, but someone grabbed us and yelled "Tornado!" and shoved us inside a tiny little metal building. So we're all standing around, cramped in this tiny little room for what seems like forever. (What does this have to do with bears you say? Just wait. It's coming.) Noah gets tired of waiting and is like, "Let's go look outside. We're essentially in a trailer anyway, so being outside can't be any worse right?" So we go outside and to our left, the sky is massively dark and there's a huge tornado spinning. Well the car is to the right, so Noah decides that we should make a run for it. While we're running for the car, we notice another tornado over on our right. But not as big. (Where's the bear again?) So we get in the car and go to leave and apparently everyone else had the same idea. So we're waiting in this long line of cars to exit the park. Finally we get to exit and it's our turn to turn right onto the road and at this point I get fuzzy. I think we were in an accident but I'm not sure. Somehow the car is now gone and we have a bike. One bike. One cheap crappy Wal-Mart mountain bike. And Noah's riding it of course. And complaining about how the suspension is too stiff and it's not handling well. So we're riding, well he's riding I'm walking, the bike down the curvy road surrounded by woods, and we see a bunch of big green vans sitting by the side of the road. You know the kind of vans that colleges and churches take? So like four of those, empty with their doors open sitting by the side of the road. So we ditch the bike and walk down the road very sneakily wondering what's going on. As we turn the corner (here it comes!) we see a huge male bear hanging from a tree. Hanging like a suicide in a noose from a tree. And the momma bear is chasing her baby bear around below the body. Well the baby bear sees us and decides he wants to play with us so it starts chasing us. And of course momma is chasing him. We run and try to get away. We end up climbing on a statue of a bear that fell over during the tornado. And the baby bear wants to play with us so he swipes at us as we are climbing and he scratches me and I scream and he falls off the statue. So by now the momma bear has caught up with us and I'm thinking she's going to attack us and I'm scared. So she climbs up after us and looks at us and says, "My baby seems to like you. Would you like to come home with us and live in our bear community?" So we go home with the bears and live with them until we get bored and decide to go home.
That was seriously my dream. I didn't make any of that up. Promise.
Tuesday, January 22, 2008
Wow
Ok, so today this is a rant.
First rant is about school. And the federal government sticking their noses where they don't belong. Specifically in regards to testing. I have had to give tests for the last two weeks straight. I am a special ed. teacher. Tests are really hard for my kids to begin with. Hell, sitting still for 2 hours is really hard, let alone sitting still for two hours w/out talking and not being able to read the information that you're being tested in is hard for anyone! So last week we have to take the district's quarterly assessments. I'm Ok with this. I think the kids should take assessments to see if they are growing. However! However, I think the assessments should be on the student's functioning level. Especially for special ed. kids. My second graders have to take a second grade test. Which I am not OK with. The reason I am not Ok with this is because the students are not able to read on a second grade level. Yes, I can read the questions and answer choices, but I cannot read the reading passages to them. This is a huge problem. The whole test is based on the reading passage and they have to try to read that all by themselves. They can't ask me for help. Also, special ed. kids have a really hard time with certain types of questions. The test is full of these types of questions! About information they can't read! See my problem is, we already know these kids have problems. I'm not saying let's count them out as non-functioning members of society. Not at all. I'm saying, we already know they are learning at least two grade levels below their peers. We already know that they get frustrated easily. We already know that 9 out to 10 kids labeled special ed. are suffering from ADHD. We already know that we are not instructing them on their grade level, but on their instructional level. And yet we ask them to take a test that is difficult for regular ed. kids. And we ask them to do it for two weeks in a row. Here's the other part I have a problem with. We spent all last week testing. We are spending today and tomorrow testing too! Are you kidding? If I'm frustrated, imagine how the kids must feel! Argh!!! I believe that I should be held responsible for my student's learning. But let's look to see if they made progress. A standardized test does not show progress. It only shows failure. Also, as a side note, the federal government in their infinite wisdom that comes from years of teaching (can you sense the sarcasm?) has decided that not only are we forcing kids to take these ridiculous tests, we're going to base a teacher's job on the student's ability to pass a test. Yes folks, you heard me, the feds are discussing basing my ability to work on the ability of my students to take and pass a test. I strongly encourage you, my wonderful readers, to go back to elementary school and sit in a couple days. You won't recognize school. When I was in school, we got to learn about things that interested us. We did projects. We put on plays. We did theme units. We had fun. Seriously. In elementary school, we had fun. We learned things by doing and through play. Now, the students learn by worksheet and drill. We don't even teach them to multiply for goodness sakes! We no longer teach straight up multiplication tables. How can you expect students to learn fractions when they can't multiply? Wow. Whew. Sorry. I'm going to cut myself off. I could go on forever...
Second mini rant applies to my blog. I really appreciate the new readers! Hi! If you get a chance, leave me a message and tell me how you found me. Thanks! :) But some real weirdos are out there. I had a delete a comment today because it was full of profanity and nasty-ness. I write this blog for me. It helps me immensely to be able to get my thoughts down on "paper" and sort through them. I don't write this blog to get nasty comments. Are we still in High School here people? If you don't like what you're reading, then don't read it! Geesh!
So...let's hope that tomorrow is a better day. Full of testing again, but hopefully better. Whew. Thanks for reading :)
First rant is about school. And the federal government sticking their noses where they don't belong. Specifically in regards to testing. I have had to give tests for the last two weeks straight. I am a special ed. teacher. Tests are really hard for my kids to begin with. Hell, sitting still for 2 hours is really hard, let alone sitting still for two hours w/out talking and not being able to read the information that you're being tested in is hard for anyone! So last week we have to take the district's quarterly assessments. I'm Ok with this. I think the kids should take assessments to see if they are growing. However! However, I think the assessments should be on the student's functioning level. Especially for special ed. kids. My second graders have to take a second grade test. Which I am not OK with. The reason I am not Ok with this is because the students are not able to read on a second grade level. Yes, I can read the questions and answer choices, but I cannot read the reading passages to them. This is a huge problem. The whole test is based on the reading passage and they have to try to read that all by themselves. They can't ask me for help. Also, special ed. kids have a really hard time with certain types of questions. The test is full of these types of questions! About information they can't read! See my problem is, we already know these kids have problems. I'm not saying let's count them out as non-functioning members of society. Not at all. I'm saying, we already know they are learning at least two grade levels below their peers. We already know that they get frustrated easily. We already know that 9 out to 10 kids labeled special ed. are suffering from ADHD. We already know that we are not instructing them on their grade level, but on their instructional level. And yet we ask them to take a test that is difficult for regular ed. kids. And we ask them to do it for two weeks in a row. Here's the other part I have a problem with. We spent all last week testing. We are spending today and tomorrow testing too! Are you kidding? If I'm frustrated, imagine how the kids must feel! Argh!!! I believe that I should be held responsible for my student's learning. But let's look to see if they made progress. A standardized test does not show progress. It only shows failure. Also, as a side note, the federal government in their infinite wisdom that comes from years of teaching (can you sense the sarcasm?) has decided that not only are we forcing kids to take these ridiculous tests, we're going to base a teacher's job on the student's ability to pass a test. Yes folks, you heard me, the feds are discussing basing my ability to work on the ability of my students to take and pass a test. I strongly encourage you, my wonderful readers, to go back to elementary school and sit in a couple days. You won't recognize school. When I was in school, we got to learn about things that interested us. We did projects. We put on plays. We did theme units. We had fun. Seriously. In elementary school, we had fun. We learned things by doing and through play. Now, the students learn by worksheet and drill. We don't even teach them to multiply for goodness sakes! We no longer teach straight up multiplication tables. How can you expect students to learn fractions when they can't multiply? Wow. Whew. Sorry. I'm going to cut myself off. I could go on forever...
Second mini rant applies to my blog. I really appreciate the new readers! Hi! If you get a chance, leave me a message and tell me how you found me. Thanks! :) But some real weirdos are out there. I had a delete a comment today because it was full of profanity and nasty-ness. I write this blog for me. It helps me immensely to be able to get my thoughts down on "paper" and sort through them. I don't write this blog to get nasty comments. Are we still in High School here people? If you don't like what you're reading, then don't read it! Geesh!
So...let's hope that tomorrow is a better day. Full of testing again, but hopefully better. Whew. Thanks for reading :)
Monday, January 21, 2008
Ok Ok, the real post!
I thought I would answer some more questions from my adoring fans :) These are from Brandy:
1. FAvourite type of cookie?
2. Would you rather have an Irish accent or would you rather date a guy who did?
3. Favourite type of shampoo?
4. Movie you've watched at least 10 times?
5. Favourite juice derived from a fruit?
So here goes:
1. My all time favorite type of cookie is Tag A Longs. You know, the chocolate peanut butter girl scout cookie that you can only get once a year that I consume five or more boxes of? Yeah, that one. Coming in a close second is the white fudge covered oreos that you can also only get once a year. Let me clarify that I do not like oreos in any other form.
2. I would most definitely rather date a man with an irish accent. Mmmmm.
3. Shampoo and I have issues. I find one I like and it only works well for a couple months so then I have find a new type. It's a struggle. Currently I am using Aussie Moist shampoo and Loreal Vive for long hair conditioner.
4. I have two movies that I can watch anytime, anywhere. There are Rocky Horror Picture Show, (Please tell me you know that one? And if you don't, we need to make a date to watch it together) and Dirty Dancing, Which I almost have memorized.
5. I don't drink a lot of fruit juice, but I like something with mango in it. I also like apple just plain or with mango.
Soooooo....since this isn't a Meme I can't tag anyone but leave me a comment with your own answers.
1. FAvourite type of cookie?
2. Would you rather have an Irish accent or would you rather date a guy who did?
3. Favourite type of shampoo?
4. Movie you've watched at least 10 times?
5. Favourite juice derived from a fruit?
So here goes:
1. My all time favorite type of cookie is Tag A Longs. You know, the chocolate peanut butter girl scout cookie that you can only get once a year that I consume five or more boxes of? Yeah, that one. Coming in a close second is the white fudge covered oreos that you can also only get once a year. Let me clarify that I do not like oreos in any other form.
2. I would most definitely rather date a man with an irish accent. Mmmmm.
3. Shampoo and I have issues. I find one I like and it only works well for a couple months so then I have find a new type. It's a struggle. Currently I am using Aussie Moist shampoo and Loreal Vive for long hair conditioner.
4. I have two movies that I can watch anytime, anywhere. There are Rocky Horror Picture Show, (Please tell me you know that one? And if you don't, we need to make a date to watch it together) and Dirty Dancing, Which I almost have memorized.
5. I don't drink a lot of fruit juice, but I like something with mango in it. I also like apple just plain or with mango.
Soooooo....since this isn't a Meme I can't tag anyone but leave me a comment with your own answers.
Sorry!
This is for Michelle.
I'm sorry I've been such a flake lately. Don't hate me. I heart you and our new friendship. I really did get sick Saturday. And when you're vomiting AND have cramps? All you want to do is go to bed. We can go see 27 dresses Tuesday night if you want. Deal?
Love,
Your flaky friend.
I'm sorry I've been such a flake lately. Don't hate me. I heart you and our new friendship. I really did get sick Saturday. And when you're vomiting AND have cramps? All you want to do is go to bed. We can go see 27 dresses Tuesday night if you want. Deal?
Love,
Your flaky friend.
Thursday, January 17, 2008
so...
I was mad for good reason at work. (But what made me even more upset was the fact that I started crying when I was trying to yell. I never used to do that. What's happened to me?) I'm tired of the adult staff acting like the children that we teach. If everyone was really there to do their job, we would all be fine. But unfortunately we aren't all there for the same reason. I like to believe that things would be better if I didn't teach in the ghetto, but the truth is they probably wouldn't. The problem isn't the kids. I love my little hood rats. In fact one of them told me today that when he gets his car, and I get old, he's going to take me to the hood and dress me up all ghetto. Who's not excited about that? Seriously. I love urban kids. I really do. It's the urban staff that's a problem. So....in spite of my possible (and I stress possible) $17,500 loan cancellation if I stay with this urban district for the next two years, I think I may be looking for a job.
Tuesday, January 15, 2008
Aargh!
Have you ever been so mad that you cried while you were yelling? Now take that scenario and make it happen at work. At the main desk. In front of everyone. Yeah. That was my day.
Monday, January 14, 2008
An Answer!
Well I hope that some more of my readers, I know you're out there, will come out and ask a question or two. I realize the pressure I put on you with "a deep and meaningful question" so...just whatever works too. Remember? De-lurking week was last week. Come on people. Show me some love.
I'm going to respond to Michelle's question first. One of her questions was: if you could travel back in time would you want to? where would you go, what would you do, and why?
Here goes, I hope you can all follow this. There are probably several things I would do if I could travel back in time, but I'll tell you about the first one that comes to my mind. I would indeed travel back in time, as the things I've tried to do to fix the problem have only partially worked. I would go back to a time before my Grandma Mac passed away. I don't know if I would go back and change the actual event, I was young and threw a tantrum as many young girls are prone to do when they don't get their way. So here goes. When I was like 10 or 11 years old, I got mad. I don't even remember what I got mad about. But I took it out on my Grandma. For no reason that I can remember. I told her something to the effect of, "I love my other Grandma more because she's smarter than you and reads books." I seriously don't even know why I was mad at her or why I said those things. But I did. And I made her cry. And I never really apologized for it. I made my Grandma cry for something rediculous and I didn't apologize. She passed away not even two years later and I've carried that guilt with me for such a long time. My Grandma was a really amazing woman. She was diagnosed with breast cancer when she was 26 and lost one of her breasts. When I was younger, she broke her arm and it became gangrenous and she ended up losing the arm and collarbone on that side too. Grandma only had one arm almost my whole life. She still made pies from scratch and did all the things she used to do. She still made me breakfast every Saturday. She made cream of wheat and eggs, Grandpa made the bacon, and I made the coffee. She babysat for me and taught me to play almost all the card games I know. I don't know why I told her that I loved my other Grandma more, it's not true. Grandma Mac spent time with me and that means more than all the presents in the world. So anyway, I never apologized to her and I just couldn't let go of it. I'm sure she knows that I am sorry, but I just hate that I never got to tell her myself. In college, I wrote her a letter and went to her grave and burnt it on her grave. I've felt better since then, but I know that it will never be completely Ok until I get the chance to tell her myself. I'm sorry.
I'm going to respond to Michelle's question first. One of her questions was: if you could travel back in time would you want to? where would you go, what would you do, and why?
Here goes, I hope you can all follow this. There are probably several things I would do if I could travel back in time, but I'll tell you about the first one that comes to my mind. I would indeed travel back in time, as the things I've tried to do to fix the problem have only partially worked. I would go back to a time before my Grandma Mac passed away. I don't know if I would go back and change the actual event, I was young and threw a tantrum as many young girls are prone to do when they don't get their way. So here goes. When I was like 10 or 11 years old, I got mad. I don't even remember what I got mad about. But I took it out on my Grandma. For no reason that I can remember. I told her something to the effect of, "I love my other Grandma more because she's smarter than you and reads books." I seriously don't even know why I was mad at her or why I said those things. But I did. And I made her cry. And I never really apologized for it. I made my Grandma cry for something rediculous and I didn't apologize. She passed away not even two years later and I've carried that guilt with me for such a long time. My Grandma was a really amazing woman. She was diagnosed with breast cancer when she was 26 and lost one of her breasts. When I was younger, she broke her arm and it became gangrenous and she ended up losing the arm and collarbone on that side too. Grandma only had one arm almost my whole life. She still made pies from scratch and did all the things she used to do. She still made me breakfast every Saturday. She made cream of wheat and eggs, Grandpa made the bacon, and I made the coffee. She babysat for me and taught me to play almost all the card games I know. I don't know why I told her that I loved my other Grandma more, it's not true. Grandma Mac spent time with me and that means more than all the presents in the world. So anyway, I never apologized to her and I just couldn't let go of it. I'm sure she knows that I am sorry, but I just hate that I never got to tell her myself. In college, I wrote her a letter and went to her grave and burnt it on her grave. I've felt better since then, but I know that it will never be completely Ok until I get the chance to tell her myself. I'm sorry.
Saturday, January 12, 2008
Hmmm...
I haven't been on here much lately. I guess I feel like the little things going on in my life are pretty mundane and I wouldn't want to waste your time reading about them. So....to take a page from so many of my favorite bloggers, what do you want to know? Ask me several deep and thoughtful questions and I will answer them. Not all in one post, I wouldn't want to waste them! But I will. Please? Thanks.
Sunday, January 6, 2008
Holy Sh*t Batman
The elliptical kicked my a$$.
P.S. I Love You is a very very sad movie.
P.S. I Love You is a very very sad movie.
These two guys are amazing and amazingly hot in it: (I love love love an irish accent)
I apparently have no censor.
I have to go back to work tomorrow morning after staying up until 3:30 both nights this weekend. Argh.
I have to go back to work tomorrow morning after staying up until 3:30 both nights this weekend. Argh.
Thursday, January 3, 2008
Random
UPDATE: see bullet point numero sixo
There are a lot of random things going through my mind lately. So I thought I would bullet post 'em and then maybe I can post more after I've got my thoughts together.
* Things are better with Noah. He broke his glasses before we left for Baltimore and decided that maybe he would pursue some therapy options. I think it's a great idea. I've been barely pushing him on this for the past four years, but I didn't want to push too hard because it needed to be his decision. As of yet, he's not made any appointments but at least he came to a realization.
* Out of that situation I realized that I baby him. My first thought upon him breaking said glasses was, "You're going to pay for that." After I calmed down I remembered that he'd been saving his money for a lense for his camera and if I made him pay for the glasses, he wouldn't be able to get the lense. Then I started feeling guilty. Then I got mad at myself for feeling guilty, but couldn't stop feeling guilty. I told him that I felt bad and he told me that he was a grownup and was going to take responsability for his actions. Then I felt more guilty! In the end, he's got enough money to get the lense (which we ordered last night) and still pay for his glasses so I don't feel too bad.
* I need to stop buying stuff. I have a really really low self esteem and buying things makes me happy. It doesn't matter if I don't ever wear it or if I don't need it, the simple act of spending money makes me feel better. I need to figure out a way to make myself feel better w/out spending money or we will be broke. Well, not broke, but not digging our way out of debt like I would like to.
* Along those lines, I realize that if I do want to have a baby, and I do, I need to stop buying things like clothes, and start paying off debt. We don't have a lot that we can really do anything about. Car loans and student loans and mortgages aren't going to go away. But what we do have, I need to get rid of. My friends who have had babies can't wear their old clothes or shoes anymore so I need to stop collecting things like that and pay off debt so after we do have a baby, we can buy me a new wardrobe! (Bet you didn't see that coming eh?)
* I think I realized that part of why I want a baby (besides all the crazy girl hormones) is because I don't feel like I fit in anywhere. I realize this is the crux of the 20-something. I'm not 21 and single anymore. I can't go out and party all the time. I don't want to. But I'm not in my late 20's and married with kids either so I don't fit in that demographic. I think I want a baby so that I fit in somewhere. I know where I belong. Because right now, 24 and married isn't really anywhere.
* The couple that I blogged about awhile ago with the kid who said the awful things about me? They're back. Noah was just expressing to me last night how he's jealous of all the wonderful friends I've made through blogland and how he wants friends too. So today he leaves a message on Josh (the husband of the couple)'s flickr about how cute the baby is. Josh responds wanting to have an entire conversation and pretend like nothing ever happened. He did apologize back in August and tried to patch things up but Noah wasn't ready yet. I guess Noah is ready now. He's struggling b/c he doesn't want to be friends with someone who could say such things, but Josh was his best friend and he misses his friend. I told him that I would be upset, but it would be Ok. I guess I'm used to giving up on me for things that other people want.
UPDATE/CLARIFICATION: I don't *think* (I've got to go back and look) that I full explained the situation. See, this might make me petty, but I just can't forgive someone who said I was a bad teacher, called me a slut, and told Noah that he would be better off without me. I'm just not ready/able to forgive yet. How do you go back to being friends with someone that you can't trust? For almost the whole story read http://karijo09.blogspot.com/2007/11/how-do-you-let-go.html
There are a lot of random things going through my mind lately. So I thought I would bullet post 'em and then maybe I can post more after I've got my thoughts together.
* Things are better with Noah. He broke his glasses before we left for Baltimore and decided that maybe he would pursue some therapy options. I think it's a great idea. I've been barely pushing him on this for the past four years, but I didn't want to push too hard because it needed to be his decision. As of yet, he's not made any appointments but at least he came to a realization.
* Out of that situation I realized that I baby him. My first thought upon him breaking said glasses was, "You're going to pay for that." After I calmed down I remembered that he'd been saving his money for a lense for his camera and if I made him pay for the glasses, he wouldn't be able to get the lense. Then I started feeling guilty. Then I got mad at myself for feeling guilty, but couldn't stop feeling guilty. I told him that I felt bad and he told me that he was a grownup and was going to take responsability for his actions. Then I felt more guilty! In the end, he's got enough money to get the lense (which we ordered last night) and still pay for his glasses so I don't feel too bad.
* I need to stop buying stuff. I have a really really low self esteem and buying things makes me happy. It doesn't matter if I don't ever wear it or if I don't need it, the simple act of spending money makes me feel better. I need to figure out a way to make myself feel better w/out spending money or we will be broke. Well, not broke, but not digging our way out of debt like I would like to.
* Along those lines, I realize that if I do want to have a baby, and I do, I need to stop buying things like clothes, and start paying off debt. We don't have a lot that we can really do anything about. Car loans and student loans and mortgages aren't going to go away. But what we do have, I need to get rid of. My friends who have had babies can't wear their old clothes or shoes anymore so I need to stop collecting things like that and pay off debt so after we do have a baby, we can buy me a new wardrobe! (Bet you didn't see that coming eh?)
* I think I realized that part of why I want a baby (besides all the crazy girl hormones) is because I don't feel like I fit in anywhere. I realize this is the crux of the 20-something. I'm not 21 and single anymore. I can't go out and party all the time. I don't want to. But I'm not in my late 20's and married with kids either so I don't fit in that demographic. I think I want a baby so that I fit in somewhere. I know where I belong. Because right now, 24 and married isn't really anywhere.
* The couple that I blogged about awhile ago with the kid who said the awful things about me? They're back. Noah was just expressing to me last night how he's jealous of all the wonderful friends I've made through blogland and how he wants friends too. So today he leaves a message on Josh (the husband of the couple)'s flickr about how cute the baby is. Josh responds wanting to have an entire conversation and pretend like nothing ever happened. He did apologize back in August and tried to patch things up but Noah wasn't ready yet. I guess Noah is ready now. He's struggling b/c he doesn't want to be friends with someone who could say such things, but Josh was his best friend and he misses his friend. I told him that I would be upset, but it would be Ok. I guess I'm used to giving up on me for things that other people want.
UPDATE/CLARIFICATION: I don't *think* (I've got to go back and look) that I full explained the situation. See, this might make me petty, but I just can't forgive someone who said I was a bad teacher, called me a slut, and told Noah that he would be better off without me. I'm just not ready/able to forgive yet. How do you go back to being friends with someone that you can't trust? For almost the whole story read http://karijo09.blogspot.com/2007/11/how-do-you-let-go.html
Tuesday, January 1, 2008
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