Monday, January 14, 2008

An Answer!

Well I hope that some more of my readers, I know you're out there, will come out and ask a question or two. I realize the pressure I put on you with "a deep and meaningful question" so...just whatever works too. Remember? De-lurking week was last week. Come on people. Show me some love.

I'm going to respond to Michelle's question first. One of her questions was: if you could travel back in time would you want to? where would you go, what would you do, and why?

Here goes, I hope you can all follow this. There are probably several things I would do if I could travel back in time, but I'll tell you about the first one that comes to my mind. I would indeed travel back in time, as the things I've tried to do to fix the problem have only partially worked. I would go back to a time before my Grandma Mac passed away. I don't know if I would go back and change the actual event, I was young and threw a tantrum as many young girls are prone to do when they don't get their way. So here goes. When I was like 10 or 11 years old, I got mad. I don't even remember what I got mad about. But I took it out on my Grandma. For no reason that I can remember. I told her something to the effect of, "I love my other Grandma more because she's smarter than you and reads books." I seriously don't even know why I was mad at her or why I said those things. But I did. And I made her cry. And I never really apologized for it. I made my Grandma cry for something rediculous and I didn't apologize. She passed away not even two years later and I've carried that guilt with me for such a long time. My Grandma was a really amazing woman. She was diagnosed with breast cancer when she was 26 and lost one of her breasts. When I was younger, she broke her arm and it became gangrenous and she ended up losing the arm and collarbone on that side too. Grandma only had one arm almost my whole life. She still made pies from scratch and did all the things she used to do. She still made me breakfast every Saturday. She made cream of wheat and eggs, Grandpa made the bacon, and I made the coffee. She babysat for me and taught me to play almost all the card games I know. I don't know why I told her that I loved my other Grandma more, it's not true. Grandma Mac spent time with me and that means more than all the presents in the world. So anyway, I never apologized to her and I just couldn't let go of it. I'm sure she knows that I am sorry, but I just hate that I never got to tell her myself. In college, I wrote her a letter and went to her grave and burnt it on her grave. I've felt better since then, but I know that it will never be completely Ok until I get the chance to tell her myself. I'm sorry.


Michelle said...

i think there's always something we regret or would take back when a loved one passes. we're only human.

La said...

I have a similar regret about my grandmother passing, and I still feel guilty about it, 16 years later. I don't know that it's helping me at all to hold onto it, though.

lspoon said...

There are so many conversations we replay with the what if button. I wish it were possible to do it for real.

I was afraid of my grandfather until I was 7 and he passed on when I was 8. I get insanely jealous when people talk about how great he was, b/c I'll never know.

Passionista said...

There's nothing wrong with still wanting to say you're sorry, but at least know that she probably felt your love more than you realize.

Princess Pointful said...

This was very powerful.
I'm sure she hears you, though :)