...a little early. But I gots a lot of stuff going on tomorrow and I might not get to post and I just HAVE to when it comes to Halloween.
First off, repeat of information, but I am having a grownup dinner party. Complete with witch and bat and pumpkin shaped pasta, blood cream sauce, coffin cake, mummy appetizer, and vampire blood/black cat/something else halloween related wine. I am super psyched.
I am crazy when it comes to Halloween. It is my favorite holiday. I think it has some thing to do with me being weird and wanting to be different so I picked the creepiest, scariest, most un-christian holiday to be my favorite holiday. When I was little I used to pretend that I was a witch or a shape shifter. I would lay in my bed at night and have a little game with imaginary friends and I always had an imaginary tiger in my little imaginary world. I was awesome in my imaginary world. Sometimes I wish I was still there...moving on. I also would wish that I was a vampire. I was a nice vampire of course but I would be a vampire. I have recently discovered the Twilight series which is an AMAZING series about a vampire. It's young adult fiction so there is unforuntately no sex, but it is still incredibly well written and I am in love with the main character Edward who just happens to be a vampire. If I were to leave Noah for anyone, it would be a vampire. There's something about living forever and always being out at night that gets to me. That and dressing in black. Plus vampires are just amazingly beautiful and sexy creatures. Mmmmm. Again, have to move on. I am also a horror movie freak. When I was little, like really little, I sat in the hallway while my parents watched It and that was literally it for me. I have read almost every Stephen King novel ever written (the older stuff was much better than the newer stuff) and I try to watch scary movies when they come out. I love to be scared, but most of them don't do it. The best part about scary movies is that you are either scared which is great or they are sooooo bad that they are funny which is also acceptable. When I'm having a bad day, I rent a scary movie. One of the only scary movies to ever get to me was The Ring. It took awhile to get to me too. That's the best part. By day seven after I watched the movie, I made Noah sleep with me in my dorm and we had to unplug the TV. I'm a dork I know. Also, my parents house is haunted. I saw ghosts and my friend Ryanne can 'sense' ghosts and she refused to be left alone in any room in my house, including the bathroom. I thought it was great that the house was haunted, until the spirits got mad at me one morning and chased me out. Then it was not so cool. But that was several years ago and nothing has happened since. Creepy tho....
Anywho...I love all things Halloween and all things black. I seriously go all out and I'm SUPER excited that we might actually get trick-or-treaters this year! Yay! I really really wish I could dress up this year, but we don't have anywhere to go that's having a costume party and we missed the ones our friends had this weekend b/c we were house sitting so...no costume for me this year but seriously, I love Halloween and will be terribly sad to see it go. Yay for Halloween and all things scary!
Tuesday, October 30, 2007
Monday, October 29, 2007
Not dead
Not dead just....sad.
I've been sad lately. Not sure if it's my job, if it's not getting enough sleep, not happy with my body but not willing to do anything to change it, or if it's my hormones. I just have been uber cranky and uber sad lately. Don't really know how to change it either.
We house sat for my parents this weekend. I don't mind doing it for them, but I really kind of hate it. I hate my hometown and I'm embarassed to see anyone I know. I don't want to run into anyone I went to high school with. It's so small we have to drive over a half hour to go shopping or go to a movie or anything. And it's 2 hours away so we spend a lot of time driving and going back and forth from places. It sucks. We don't get anything accomplished on our own home. And I've got my family coming over for Thanksgiving and there's still a lot to do. Including hanging our microwave (which I think will take all day).
I'm excited to decorate for Christmas and Halloween but I hate to decorate for fall b/c it's so hard to find things that aren't country cutesy and aren't halloween. Plus I'm irritated. The entire retail world is in preparation for Christmas and it's not even Halloween yet! Why are there Christmas trees in stores right now? I'm not ready for Christmas!! Geesh!
This week we're....going out to dinner to celebrate Noah's new job! (Yay Noah) Then tomorrow night we're cleaning and cooking. Wednesday we're hosting a couples Halloween Dinner. I'm preparing LOTS of food so my friends better not punk out. Then Thursday I don't know what we're doing and Friday our friend Joy is having a birthday party. Busy week. No money. Not a good thing to not have any monies :( We'll make it. I'm really excited to have our first grownup dinner party!
I've been sad lately. Not sure if it's my job, if it's not getting enough sleep, not happy with my body but not willing to do anything to change it, or if it's my hormones. I just have been uber cranky and uber sad lately. Don't really know how to change it either.
We house sat for my parents this weekend. I don't mind doing it for them, but I really kind of hate it. I hate my hometown and I'm embarassed to see anyone I know. I don't want to run into anyone I went to high school with. It's so small we have to drive over a half hour to go shopping or go to a movie or anything. And it's 2 hours away so we spend a lot of time driving and going back and forth from places. It sucks. We don't get anything accomplished on our own home. And I've got my family coming over for Thanksgiving and there's still a lot to do. Including hanging our microwave (which I think will take all day).
I'm excited to decorate for Christmas and Halloween but I hate to decorate for fall b/c it's so hard to find things that aren't country cutesy and aren't halloween. Plus I'm irritated. The entire retail world is in preparation for Christmas and it's not even Halloween yet! Why are there Christmas trees in stores right now? I'm not ready for Christmas!! Geesh!
This week we're....going out to dinner to celebrate Noah's new job! (Yay Noah) Then tomorrow night we're cleaning and cooking. Wednesday we're hosting a couples Halloween Dinner. I'm preparing LOTS of food so my friends better not punk out. Then Thursday I don't know what we're doing and Friday our friend Joy is having a birthday party. Busy week. No money. Not a good thing to not have any monies :( We'll make it. I'm really excited to have our first grownup dinner party!
Tuesday, October 23, 2007
Tired
I was reading a post today about seasonal depression and it really reminded me of Noah. He gets depressed during the winter months when it's rainy and cloudy and is much much happier when it's sunny and he can be outside. Sometimes I wonder if it doesn't happen to me. But I know I'm just in a mopey mood right now. Things aren't going well at school and it's affecting me. I'm a firm believer in, if enough people are saying it then maybe you should check to see if it's true. Well I've decided to look at me when I'm teaching and see if I've been overreacting or what in the breakfast room. I don't think I have but I'm going to keep being introspective.
At what point do you say to youself, everyone has left me and I'm alone? I feel very alone. I've got Noah which is great and he is my best friend. But who do I talk to when I'm upset with or about him? Who do I talk to about my crazy dreams that I have been having about a previous boyfriend? I know email and cell phones are around and I can talk through them, but isn't it better to sit down with someone and actually talk? I miss my friends who have moved away and I miss my friends who haven't moved but are still gone. Sometimes I hate how being married automatically means that you're a wife instead of a friend. You aren't thought of when people are going shopping or what not b/c they don't really think of you as being able to go and do things. I just want one person who I can totally be myself with and they don't judge me. Sometimes I'm crude and sometimes I'm not very sensitive and sometimes I'm downright mean. But I'm me and I'm really not a bad person once you get to know me. Sometimes I'm a little hard to know, but I'm not a bad person. I just want a real friend...
At what point do you say to youself, everyone has left me and I'm alone? I feel very alone. I've got Noah which is great and he is my best friend. But who do I talk to when I'm upset with or about him? Who do I talk to about my crazy dreams that I have been having about a previous boyfriend? I know email and cell phones are around and I can talk through them, but isn't it better to sit down with someone and actually talk? I miss my friends who have moved away and I miss my friends who haven't moved but are still gone. Sometimes I hate how being married automatically means that you're a wife instead of a friend. You aren't thought of when people are going shopping or what not b/c they don't really think of you as being able to go and do things. I just want one person who I can totally be myself with and they don't judge me. Sometimes I'm crude and sometimes I'm not very sensitive and sometimes I'm downright mean. But I'm me and I'm really not a bad person once you get to know me. Sometimes I'm a little hard to know, but I'm not a bad person. I just want a real friend...
Monday, October 22, 2007
I hate fake people
What I really want is to go into school every morning and do my job. What I really want is to not have to deal with liars and fake people. What I get instead is rumor spreading, gossiping, and outright lieing.
I admit that I have lied in the past. I admit that I am not a perfect teacher. Sometimes I lose my temper and there are children that I flat out don't like. But the thing that is my trigger, and I know this, is when children are downright disrespectful and they can't be approached or talked to about it. We have at least two children, but these two are in the same family, who are beyond reaching. They are just out and out bad children. They were raised by their parents to be this way, so you can't really blame them but it doesn't mean that I have to like them or pretend that they are able to be saved/fixed/whatever you want to call it. These children are going to end up as drug dealers or in jail just like their parents. I admit that I lost my temper when one of these children stormed out of the breakfast room when I was trying to talk to them (in a nice tone of voice) while they made comments about how much they hated me and didn't want to listen to me and didn't have to listen to me. I told them that I was going to write them up after like three warnings about them coming back to talk to me. Well my bad luck that this horrible child's mother happened to be there at the same time. This woman is truly straight up g-hetto hoochie hood rat. Seriously. She left her crack pipe in the classroom when her child was in kindergarten and actually had the nerve to come back for it! She starts yelling at me telling me how she's going to beat me up and stuff right in front of the other children in the breakfast room. I calmly tell her that if she would like to speak to the principal she's welcome to. She finally finally leaves after making a HUGE scene. Today she goes in to talk to the principal and so after she leaves he wants to talk to me. He starts telling me that I was rude to her and she said that I was racist and don't know how to talk to black children and blah blah. He makes her sound like a coherant, reasonable person. Which she's not. Any person who threatens to beat up a teacher is not a reasonable person. She is not capable of these types of coherant thought. Then he proceeds to tell me that other staff members said that I was rude to her. I'm like are you kidding? So...my principal has been known to lie and gossip in the past. So I decide I'm going to go confront these staff members about what they said. Not in a confrontational manner, but just to find out like if I really was rude b/c I truly believe in my heart that I was polite. Not nice. Polite. This staff member, who I don't really care for, said that she hadn't said anything like that b/c she wasn't even in the room when the situation occurred so how could she know if I was rude or not? And as much as I don't particularly like her, I looked her in the eye when she said that and I believe her. Now tell me why my principal is making stuff up, trying to instigate a situation. Why does he feel it necessary to drive wedges in between people? I do not understand. I truly do not understand. Because I would never do anything like that. I don't instigate. Not anymore. I used to, I admit, but I grew up and I don't do it anymore. I don't even like going into school anymore b/c I don't know what he's saying or who he's saying it to. And I don't feel like I can trust him with anything b/c he twists things around.
Situations like today really really make me want to teach in a rural school. I know that there would not be hood rat hoochie mamas coming in high to confront a teacher in, say London or Greenville Ohio. It doesn't happen. You get the random parent that doesn't take care of their children, but it's not because they are high or have spent their money on drugs. And the kids are different too. They aren't in gangs in fifth grade and they don't come to school talking about how they don't have to listen to the white teachers. I chose Columbus City Schools because I liked the kids that I work with and I felt that it was an important place for me to be where I could really make a difference. But then parents, administrators, and situations like today really make me question what I'm doing. And I'm not racist. Just for the record. I dated a black man, I have black friends, I don't look at someone's race and make a judgement (bad hair or bad shoes yes, but race no). But there are certainly a lot of people, black/white/or otherwise, who look at me and make a judgement right away b/c I am white and young they assume that I can't possibly be a good teacher. And I've come to realize that some stereotypes are true...for whites, blacks, and any other race. There really are hoodrat hoochie mamas and volvo station wagon driving crackers.
But the point is, I want to go to work and do my job which is to teach childen math, reading, science, social studies, as well as life skills such as respect and how to solve our differences. And yes, I am a strict teacher. I admit that. But there is a difference between being strict and being mean. And I am not mean. I don't pick on kids for the fun of it but if your child is constantly in trouble there is a reason. And maybe it's you or your child. And maybe you should teach your child some responsability instead of always blaming someone else.
I want to confront my principal but I know it won't help. He'll just deny it and then go spread some gossip about me. Ugh. How am I going to deal with this man for the next two and a half possibly three and a half years?
I admit that I have lied in the past. I admit that I am not a perfect teacher. Sometimes I lose my temper and there are children that I flat out don't like. But the thing that is my trigger, and I know this, is when children are downright disrespectful and they can't be approached or talked to about it. We have at least two children, but these two are in the same family, who are beyond reaching. They are just out and out bad children. They were raised by their parents to be this way, so you can't really blame them but it doesn't mean that I have to like them or pretend that they are able to be saved/fixed/whatever you want to call it. These children are going to end up as drug dealers or in jail just like their parents. I admit that I lost my temper when one of these children stormed out of the breakfast room when I was trying to talk to them (in a nice tone of voice) while they made comments about how much they hated me and didn't want to listen to me and didn't have to listen to me. I told them that I was going to write them up after like three warnings about them coming back to talk to me. Well my bad luck that this horrible child's mother happened to be there at the same time. This woman is truly straight up g-hetto hoochie hood rat. Seriously. She left her crack pipe in the classroom when her child was in kindergarten and actually had the nerve to come back for it! She starts yelling at me telling me how she's going to beat me up and stuff right in front of the other children in the breakfast room. I calmly tell her that if she would like to speak to the principal she's welcome to. She finally finally leaves after making a HUGE scene. Today she goes in to talk to the principal and so after she leaves he wants to talk to me. He starts telling me that I was rude to her and she said that I was racist and don't know how to talk to black children and blah blah. He makes her sound like a coherant, reasonable person. Which she's not. Any person who threatens to beat up a teacher is not a reasonable person. She is not capable of these types of coherant thought. Then he proceeds to tell me that other staff members said that I was rude to her. I'm like are you kidding? So...my principal has been known to lie and gossip in the past. So I decide I'm going to go confront these staff members about what they said. Not in a confrontational manner, but just to find out like if I really was rude b/c I truly believe in my heart that I was polite. Not nice. Polite. This staff member, who I don't really care for, said that she hadn't said anything like that b/c she wasn't even in the room when the situation occurred so how could she know if I was rude or not? And as much as I don't particularly like her, I looked her in the eye when she said that and I believe her. Now tell me why my principal is making stuff up, trying to instigate a situation. Why does he feel it necessary to drive wedges in between people? I do not understand. I truly do not understand. Because I would never do anything like that. I don't instigate. Not anymore. I used to, I admit, but I grew up and I don't do it anymore. I don't even like going into school anymore b/c I don't know what he's saying or who he's saying it to. And I don't feel like I can trust him with anything b/c he twists things around.
Situations like today really really make me want to teach in a rural school. I know that there would not be hood rat hoochie mamas coming in high to confront a teacher in, say London or Greenville Ohio. It doesn't happen. You get the random parent that doesn't take care of their children, but it's not because they are high or have spent their money on drugs. And the kids are different too. They aren't in gangs in fifth grade and they don't come to school talking about how they don't have to listen to the white teachers. I chose Columbus City Schools because I liked the kids that I work with and I felt that it was an important place for me to be where I could really make a difference. But then parents, administrators, and situations like today really make me question what I'm doing. And I'm not racist. Just for the record. I dated a black man, I have black friends, I don't look at someone's race and make a judgement (bad hair or bad shoes yes, but race no). But there are certainly a lot of people, black/white/or otherwise, who look at me and make a judgement right away b/c I am white and young they assume that I can't possibly be a good teacher. And I've come to realize that some stereotypes are true...for whites, blacks, and any other race. There really are hoodrat hoochie mamas and volvo station wagon driving crackers.
But the point is, I want to go to work and do my job which is to teach childen math, reading, science, social studies, as well as life skills such as respect and how to solve our differences. And yes, I am a strict teacher. I admit that. But there is a difference between being strict and being mean. And I am not mean. I don't pick on kids for the fun of it but if your child is constantly in trouble there is a reason. And maybe it's you or your child. And maybe you should teach your child some responsability instead of always blaming someone else.
I want to confront my principal but I know it won't help. He'll just deny it and then go spread some gossip about me. Ugh. How am I going to deal with this man for the next two and a half possibly three and a half years?
Sunday, October 21, 2007
Belated Birthday Party
Well blogger sucks b/c it won't let me upload my pictures of my belated birthday party. It was actually pretty disappointing b/c not very many people showed up. Guess it shows you who your true friends are. Shame on the people who didn't come b/c we had fun. I'll post pictures tomorrow I guess...probably after 6 b/c I can't get to this site at work. Bummer.
Wednesday, October 17, 2007
Awesomeness
I am full of awesomeness! I have Noah's christmas present picked out, spoken for, and it is awesome! It is exactly what he wanted but he has no idea what I'm getting him b/c I keep dropping false hints. Now I'm waiting on our landlord to get us our deposit check back so I can pay for and pick it up. I am awesome.
Also, cranky today with the kids too. I need to do something that has me less cranky with them. But they drive me nuts. They keep repeating the same thing in the same whiney tone of voice over and over until I acknowledge them except I did acknowledge them but they were too busy repeating their whiney-ness that they didn't hear me. Then I yell b/c I'm frustrated. And this poor girl. Z. Poor thing. Can't spell her own name, can't count, doesn't know her alphabet. She's in second grade. I just can't help but wonder what happens to a girl like that when she gets older? Hopefully she doesn't pop out more mentally handicapped children and since she turned the other mentally handicapped child down when he asked her to be his girlfriend I'm holding out hope....
But...most importantly...I am awesome!
Oh and I thought that the heavy girl with short hair...Sarah I think? Should have been the one sent home on ANTM. FYI in case you cared.
Also, cranky today with the kids too. I need to do something that has me less cranky with them. But they drive me nuts. They keep repeating the same thing in the same whiney tone of voice over and over until I acknowledge them except I did acknowledge them but they were too busy repeating their whiney-ness that they didn't hear me. Then I yell b/c I'm frustrated. And this poor girl. Z. Poor thing. Can't spell her own name, can't count, doesn't know her alphabet. She's in second grade. I just can't help but wonder what happens to a girl like that when she gets older? Hopefully she doesn't pop out more mentally handicapped children and since she turned the other mentally handicapped child down when he asked her to be his girlfriend I'm holding out hope....
But...most importantly...I am awesome!
Oh and I thought that the heavy girl with short hair...Sarah I think? Should have been the one sent home on ANTM. FYI in case you cared.
Tuesday, October 16, 2007
No title?
I have made a resolution to blog more. Maybe it will make me feel better. Who knows.
I think my student teacher thinks I'm a horrible teacher. I'm in such a foul mood today and for no reason that I think was kind of mean. I got called a bastard today ... again, not sure why. I told the student that he obviously didn't know what that word meant b/c he wasn't using it properly. Geesh. If you're going to cuss out a teacher at least use the appropriate word. Bitch would have been MUCH better.
I hate it when I'm cranky and Noah's cranky. Together we are horrible. And one of us has to pretend not to be cranky so we can be there for the other one. Yeah, that doesn't work out so well. It sucks. I am full of cranky headachy-ness today. Ugh.
I think my student teacher thinks I'm a horrible teacher. I'm in such a foul mood today and for no reason that I think was kind of mean. I got called a bastard today ... again, not sure why. I told the student that he obviously didn't know what that word meant b/c he wasn't using it properly. Geesh. If you're going to cuss out a teacher at least use the appropriate word. Bitch would have been MUCH better.
I hate it when I'm cranky and Noah's cranky. Together we are horrible. And one of us has to pretend not to be cranky so we can be there for the other one. Yeah, that doesn't work out so well. It sucks. I am full of cranky headachy-ness today. Ugh.
Monday, October 15, 2007
Not not venting
Ok, I'm seriously not going to vent. I don't know what I'm going to talk about, but I'm not going to vent.
The house is liveable. We're slowing working on it but I did get some pictures up on the walls and feel infinitely better about that. My picture wall is up and looks amazing but unfortunately I'm out of space on it so I'm going to have to discover another place to put my pictures. Noah promises such a place exists. I'm not so sure. (A picture wall is a place where I put random antique pictures mostly of people that I don't know)
Dog is loving his yard but he did bite me so...we're working on it. He has herding dog in him and he tried to herd me. Apparently I"m not a good herder. He broke the skin on my achilles tendon and it still hurts. Dumb dog.
Noah and I were both sick on our combined birthday. Together we are 50 years old. Yay us. So our party that was Friday has been rescheduled to Saturday of this week. We get food, you get us drunk. Yay us.
Finally almost caught up on our tv watching. I'm only behind on the simpsons and family guys which will take no time at all.
Need to stop shopping. Feel this crazy need to constantly spend money. Not necessary. Going to make us broke. Need to stop. Also, student loans are starting up again. I am having a panic attack. Stupid me was trying to figure out finances and called the loan servicer. I got my masters in June, I knew payments would be due soon. Yeah, they didn't know I was done in June. They had me in school until 2009. Whoops. Now I have an incredibly large payment due and I'm not happy. Yick. Seriously. Who knew? First mortgage payment due on Nov. 1. Nervous!! My whole paycheck and a little of Noah's is going to the bank. Yikes! I can do it...breathe breathe...picked up a tutoring job on Mondays and Wednesdays, $28 an hour, four hours a week. Can do. Done. Love the kids. Was nervous when I got here tonight but the kids are great. Love them!
Anywho...that's a brief, quick, update on my life. Love anthropologie.com Is going to make me broke. Check it out. Share my blog with your friends...I feel lonely.
p.s. Can't post to These Little Moment's blog so I'm doing it here.
I wish that there was no money so I had no debt and I could get whatever I wanted whenever I wanted.
I wish that my students were better behaved.
I wish the weekends were longer.
I wish my grandma was here so I could tell her I love her.
I wish that all clothing always came in my size. Or I was the size the clothes were. Whichever.
The house is liveable. We're slowing working on it but I did get some pictures up on the walls and feel infinitely better about that. My picture wall is up and looks amazing but unfortunately I'm out of space on it so I'm going to have to discover another place to put my pictures. Noah promises such a place exists. I'm not so sure. (A picture wall is a place where I put random antique pictures mostly of people that I don't know)
Dog is loving his yard but he did bite me so...we're working on it. He has herding dog in him and he tried to herd me. Apparently I"m not a good herder. He broke the skin on my achilles tendon and it still hurts. Dumb dog.
Noah and I were both sick on our combined birthday. Together we are 50 years old. Yay us. So our party that was Friday has been rescheduled to Saturday of this week. We get food, you get us drunk. Yay us.
Finally almost caught up on our tv watching. I'm only behind on the simpsons and family guys which will take no time at all.
Need to stop shopping. Feel this crazy need to constantly spend money. Not necessary. Going to make us broke. Need to stop. Also, student loans are starting up again. I am having a panic attack. Stupid me was trying to figure out finances and called the loan servicer. I got my masters in June, I knew payments would be due soon. Yeah, they didn't know I was done in June. They had me in school until 2009. Whoops. Now I have an incredibly large payment due and I'm not happy. Yick. Seriously. Who knew? First mortgage payment due on Nov. 1. Nervous!! My whole paycheck and a little of Noah's is going to the bank. Yikes! I can do it...breathe breathe...picked up a tutoring job on Mondays and Wednesdays, $28 an hour, four hours a week. Can do. Done. Love the kids. Was nervous when I got here tonight but the kids are great. Love them!
Anywho...that's a brief, quick, update on my life. Love anthropologie.com Is going to make me broke. Check it out. Share my blog with your friends...I feel lonely.
p.s. Can't post to These Little Moment's blog so I'm doing it here.
I wish that there was no money so I had no debt and I could get whatever I wanted whenever I wanted.
I wish that my students were better behaved.
I wish the weekends were longer.
I wish my grandma was here so I could tell her I love her.
I wish that all clothing always came in my size. Or I was the size the clothes were. Whichever.
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