Weird Dreams

Sometimes you have a dream that is just so weird you have to commit it to paper so you don't forget it. I dreamed that I was pregnant. But not normal pregnant of course, that would be a boring dream. I dreamed that my belly was really thin like a balloon and people kept trying to see the baby move but she didn't want to move. I was afraid she was dead so I picked up my balloon stomach and talked to it and she began to move. But my tummy was thin like a balloon too so when she put her little fist up, it looked like she was going to punch through and you could see all the little fingers. We were in a nursing home visiting someone and my whole family was there so I asked the baby if she was ready to come out and she was. Except my dad made us walk through the whole crazy hospital pointing out which nurses he knew etc. (apparently the nursing home was really a hospital). So we get to my room and they gave me an epidural and apparently that's all my mind can really handle right now because next thing I knew there was my baby. And we had her in a crib and she was really cute. Except in the room next door my parent's baby (I didn't even know my mom was pregnant) was in a crib and it was covered in barbeque sauce and it was dead. My parents said they should have known better and that this was my first baby and I was a better parent than they were.

Weird. Although I think I must be a better parent than my parents b/c my baby wasn't covered in BBQ sauce and dead. So...yeah.

A while?

I haven't blogged in awhile but that's OK b/c nobody but me reads these anyway :) My cookout was a bummer. I wanted more people to be there and for it to be more fun. Ah well. I am cooking once a week for my friends again. I love to cook. We're having enchiladas this week. Yum. My husband and I got into a huge fight. Sometimes I feel like I'm invisible behind him. It sucks. I can't be myself and I don't find myself in our house anywhere. He makes most of the decisions. We had a blow out about it. I think things are going to be OK. We're getting to be able to feel normal again so that's a plus. We are going to try to buy our condo in like october when the money gets here and then it's going to be a mad rush to get everything on the kitchen completed before thanksgiving! we will be super busy and it will probably take a couple days off work plus all our weekends to get it done. although it will be super nice when it's done.

I just don't feel like myself anymore. I know that I'm a nice person, but this shit with my so called best friend has really gotten to me. The shame of it is, it hasn't gotten to them at all. Ugh. I just don't really know who I am anymore. I don't know how I like to dress or what I like to listen to or what I like at all anymore. I have to figure all that out. My husband says I'm having a quarter life crisis. Maybe I am. Myabe we did get married too young and maybe I finished with school and started my career too young. Who knows. But I do not give up on my marriage that easily so we will try to work things out. We will keep trying and we will make it work. I love my husband, we can do this.

Going to apply for a new job. Wish me luck. I'm totally unqualified but I really want it so I'm going to give it a shot. Fingers crossed!

I will miss you Sadie

My (my parents) dog died Saturday. She had congestive heart failure for a couple of years now. She ate about a dozen giant uncooked bratwurst Friday and all of the throwing up weakened her heart and her lungs filled up with fluid. We got her when I was 11 and I will miss her a lot. She was a really good, sweet lab. Dad is taking it really hard. I hope it gets easier for him.

Had a cookout Saturday for my graduation for getting my masters. Not very many ppl showed up. Guess it shows you who your friends are. Especially when they lie about why they aren't coming. It's OK that you don't want to drive two hours. I understand. But be honest. Don't tell me that you're going to lie to your work and tell them your other work wants you to work and then tell me the same lie. It doesn't work well. Especially when I see that you were online at 1 in the afternoon. It's OK tho. I will live.

I want to spend money right now. I want to buy things like it's my job. That's what I do when I get upset. I either sleep or buy stuff. But I shouldn't buy stuff. We have worked hard to get our savings where it is and our credit down where it is and I would hate to spend it all on frivolous stuffs like clothing. Especially when I need to lose some weight. Going to New York to the beach the first weekend in Aug. I need to wear a swimsuit. Our friend's girlfriend is a beanpole. I am not. ugh. Need to lose weight. Making pasta al forno for dinner really isn't the way to do it though I don't think...ah well. such is life. I am too lazy to lose weight but not too lazy to complain about the fact that I'm too lazy. Did that even make sense?

Sad and bored

Well, the friendship is officially over and they blame us. I feel like I'm 12 again instead of 23. This sucks. It makes me sad...more sad than I thought it would. Things were said that can never be taken back, I don't think they will ever want to take them back but if they do, they can't. Instead of managing to remain adults through this, they chose to be 12 again and hurl insults. My friend J, who insists that he be my new best friend, says I'm better off and I know that's true. It just hurts to realize that I shared deep parts of myself, secret parts of myself, with this person and all along they despised me. I had to ask my husband if I was really as bad as they made me out to be.

Now I'm just bored. I don't work until tomorrow, I'm sad and depressed, and I don't have anything to do. All my friends work like normal people. They aren't lucky enough to have summers off. The longer I sit here the more miserable I become. Ugh.

And it gets worse...

And it gets worse. These so called friends of mine have been sending emails to my husband this whole time behind my back insisting that he remain friends with the two of them even tho they apparently, just now out of the blue of three years of friendship, can't be friends with me anymore. My husband just stood up for me for probably the first time in our marriage and I can't believe, yet again, how much he loves me. I know this is killing him. I can't imagine asking one of my friends to chose me over their spouse. How insensitive is that? It's shocking really. They call me selfish, what the hell is that?

Weeel....

Well, I'm not really sure what to say here. I feel like I just need an outlet for my daily frustrations.

Right now I'm pretty frustrated with some people who I thought were my friends. For over two years, might I add. They are a few years older than we are and decided to have a child. More power to them. That's not for me right now. I'm a teacher and I deal with children all day long. I'm also a coach so I deal with them on the weekends too. I love kids. But when I go home, I want to go home to a fairly quiet house where just me, my husband, our dog, cat, and a few different fish reside. I want to be selfish and buy the new car/furniture/vacation/etc. that I want and not be focused entirely on a child. What I don't understand is why they all of a sudden completely changed who they are b/c they now have a child. Having a child doesn't change your personality. It definitely shouldn't change your friendships. I don't understand it. They want ME to change b/c THEY chose to have a child. I'm sorry, I'm not going to do that. And now they think if they send my husband emails about me, that he's going to decide to still be friends with them and hang out with them and their child (my husband hates kids) without me. They are really wrong. All they are doing is making him mad and upsetting him and pushing him away from them. They obviously know nothing about him. Ugh. I just don't get it. This experience is making it really hard for me to convince my husband to have children some day. They have both completely changed over this child and now my husband thinks that is the norm and it's not. You don't have to stop being friends with everyone else, quit your job, and become a hermit just because you have a child. And, I have to say it, they aren't anything special. People all over the world have children every single day. Nothing big and amazing happened here. They were only trying to have a child for five days before she got pregnant. Whoopdy doo. Good for you. It just really hurts when you think someone is your friend for over two years, and then they decide to tell your husband that, "to be honest, Kari makes us uncomfortable, but we still want to be friends with you." Give me a break. Now who's selfish?