I don't explain myself well

I don't think I fully explained myself in my last post. I appreciate the concerns and comments, I really do, and I am fully willing to compromise. And maybe it's because you guys can see things more clearly from the outside looking in, but I don't really see a compromise.

Noah is a dreamer. What he wants to do with his life changes every five minutes. I knew this when I married him. It's part of what I love about him. It's also the big part of what's bothering me right now.

He wants to move out of the state of Ohio. I don't. I want to be near my family. But this is a compromise that I have made. I have agreed to move out of state after my student loans are cancelled in about three years. I asked that we choose a state where we know someone because I am not quite as adventurous as DS and am really afraid of not knowing anyone and starting completely from scratch.

He wants to be a photographer. I support that. We bought over $10,000 in camera equipment and spent a ton more on prints. I encourage him to sell prints and helped him get stuff together for a show. I even pushed him really hard into his current job in a professional photo house here in Cbus.

The biggest problem is that he wants to go back to school. But he doesn't know what for. It changes daily. And we just bought a house. A pretty expensive house. We're not living outside our means, but it's pretty darn close. We can't afford for him to quit his job and go back to school full time. Especially when the degree that he wants is going to require 2 years w/out a job, moving out of state, and then possibly have to move to yet another state where he can get an unpaid internship for another two years and then from all the research I've done, it will be another five years before he makes any money as a photographer. So...here's where I don't see a compromise. I'm sure this makes me sound like a bitch, but I'm not willing to put my life on hold for up to 12 years. And I'm not going to be stupid enough to bring a child into this world that we can't afford. It just sucks. And I don't see a compromise. Most things I will compromise on, and even though I said I'm extremely selfish, he has a mental health issue that BB can relate to and so on most things that aren't terribly important to me, I let him have his way. For instance, our entire house is painted and decorated in his taste b/c we don't have the same taste and according to him, my taste is bad. But it's not important enough for me to argue about. My life though, my future, that is important to me. And I am going to argue and advocate for myself. I have to or risk losing my husband. I'm a very strong willed woman and I'm not going to sacrifice the really important things in life, like kids, to my husband's dreamer/unrealistic ideas.

If you stop reading me, I'm sorry. I love that I'm meeting new people and making friends on here. I love the support. But this is a really really important issue for me and this blog is a place for me to vent and "talk" things out. When I have a problem, I call a friend and talk it out. This is my way of talking it out. I love my husband and I have no intention of leaving him. And I appreciate all the suggestions to compromise. But I don't see a compromise here.

Conflicted

I feel very conflicted right now. I'm trying to sort things out.

My husband told me last night that he doesn't want to be ordinary. I asked him to define ordinary and it's exactly what I DO want out of life. I want to own a nice home, drive a nice car, go to a job that I don't hate, have 2.4 kids, a dog, and a cat and be financially stable. He wants to travel and be someone that people will miss when he dies. I asked him, did he not think that I and our friends would miss him when he was gone? Was that not enough. He said no. I think he has a very skewed view of what he wants out of life. I don't think he realizes that 1 in 1,000 gets to be a professional photographer and only like 5 out of that small group of people gets to be a well known photographer. I'm not trying to knock his dreams, I think dreams are great, but I also need him to be realistic out of life. I'm really afraid that he's going to resent me one day. That's how his parent's relationship is. His mom married his dad and has "ruined his life" and kept him from doing the things he wanted to do out of life and his parents, although still married, don't exactly like each other let alone love each other. I don't want that for us. I don't want him to resent me and feel like I held him back from his dreams. But I'm selfish enough to want my dreams too. Lately I feel like our dreams are incompatible. One of us is going to have to give up what they want. And knowing me, it'll be him who gives up. I have a tendancy to steam roll right over him and he has a tendancy to not stick up for himself. That's not fair that he gives up his dreams, but I don't think his dreams are realistic, and honestly they are ever changing, so what do I do? I don't want to put my life on hold because he can't figure out what to do with his. God I'm a selfish cow. But even knowing that, I can't stop myself from doing selfish things and getting what I want.

O Christmas Tree

This is our pretty Christmas tree. I got 'nuthin else 'cept yay for Happy Hour with new friends, boo on bills, and t-minus 8 days until school is out.

Also, how do I manage to WAY overspend? In all seriousness I shouldn't be allowed anywhere near our money anytime soon. I'm so mad at myself right now!!!

Oh...and the roof is fixed. Some idiot thought it would be a good idea to put a drain spout over where the snow needs to melt off. But at least it was a relatively cheap fix. The dog is doing fine. He gets his stitches out next Thursday.

Seriously?

We were supposed to take my grandparents out to lunch for my grandpa's birthday right? Yeah, so we get up this morning to finish cleaning up before they get here and I walk into the kitchen, start unloading the dishwasher, and realize that my countertop is flooded with water and water is currently dripping out of my cupboards. Seriously? Did the dog not just have a huge vet bill that I haven't managed to pay yet? Do I really need this right now? The correct answer is NO. My roof is leaking. Great. Noah and his dad seem to think they can fix it. That's what they've been working on for the last...I don't know....4 hours? Right.

Friday

Yay it's Friday!!!

Satchel is doing better. If he gets through the weekend, he should be Ok. He's feeling pretty perky, although he likes to play for our sympathy and pretend he's sicker than he is. Yesterday I'm panicking b/c the dog won't get up off the floor and his stitches were bleeding a little. I call my mother in law b/c she has a mini van which is MUCH easier to get a 60lb dog who isn't allowed to jump in and out of and she came over to help me get him to the vet. She comes to the door and he leaps up and runs to the door to greet her. Jerk. Anywho...he's doing much better and will hopefully make it through the weekend just fine!

This week kind of sucked. We should have had a snow day Wednesday b/c, seriously, it took me 45 minutes to get to work. It normally takes me 10 minutes. Yeah. That sucked. But I love the pretty pretty snow! We had more snow today and I was hoping for a snow day but we didn't get one. And honestly, the roads were not bad. The kids are really rowdy b/c they can't go outside so...they're being stinkers.

My grandparents are coming over tomorrow. We're going to take my Grandpa out to lunch for his birthday. I'm excited for them to see our decorations.

Um....that's it! I'm spending money on myself when I really shouldn't b/c it's Christmas. We figured out what to get my grandparents, now we just have to go get it. We still need to figure out Noah's mom. I can't wait to hang out with Michelle when she gets back from CA. BB needs to come visit. So...yeah...have a good weekend!

Satchel Update

Well Satchel had surgery today. He had some sort of twine or thick brown string that had tied off his intestines near the top and then gone down through as his body tried to digest it. The vet said she did her best and she thinks she got all the string out and didn't nick anything while she was doing it but we won't know if he's going to be OK for about three days. I'm bringing him home tonight and then he's going back to the vet tomorrow so he can be under constant supervision for the first 24 hours. I can't figure out what he might have eaten. I seriously have no idea. I've looked all around the house. I don't use twine for anything. There was some wrapped around the Christmas tree when we brought it home, but it's all in the basement which he doesn't have access to. I just want my baby to be OK.

Home

I'm at home today b/c my dog is sick. My puppy is my baby. He's like my child. He was vomiting from about 8:00 on last night and into this morning. I called in sick and took him to the vet. She's keeping him today to see what's wrong. He gets so upset when we go to the vet. He trembles and tries to yank away. Today was worse b/c when he's sick he only wants me. He really really wants to be with me when he's sick, so when the vet tech tried to take his leash he freaked out on her.

Everyone is writing about their holidays so...I thought I'd share mine. Noah and I are dorks and already gave each other our christmas presents. I know I know...it's barely December. He got me tickets in Baltimore to see Avenue Q. I'm super psyched. So i'll get out half hour early Friday Dec. 21st and go home and pack. Saturday we'll get up at the butt crack of dawn and drive to Baltimore. Check into our hotel, go out for a fancy shmancy dinner, then go to the show. Stay overnight, hopefully get up in time to go to the art museum and the harbor and then drive back to Columbus. Here we will pick up our Christmas presents and the dog we're dogsitting for and drive to Greenville. Spend the night with my parents, get up, go to the VFW for the oyster supper with my Dad's Dad, drive to my mom's parent's house and spend Christmas Eve with her family, then drive back to Columbus in time to read The Night Before Christmas with Noah's parents, and then get up and spend Christmas day with them. It's a lot of driving and I wish I got to spend more time with my family. Usually I do, but b/c of the play we won't get there until almost Christmas Eve. I'll probably go back later and spend a couple days with them before school is back in session.

Also, update on the Christmas present status...I only have Noah's mom and my grandparents to go. Everyone else is checked off the list! Whoo hoo!!! And wrapped and under the tree might I add :)